Jane Street Dumps Bitcoin Like a Bad Blind Date, Embraces Ether with Open Arms

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In a move that screams “I’m just not that into you,” Jane Street has decided Bitcoin is so last quarter, slashing its holdings faster than a Black Friday shopper ditching a broken TV. Meanwhile, Ether? Oh, Ether’s getting the full rom-com treatment, with Jane Street swooping in like a knight in shining armor (or at least a trader in a shiny suit).

  • Jane Street gave Bitcoin ETFs the cold shoulder in Q1 2026, while cozying up to Ether like it’s the new It Girl.
  • The firm’s Strategy stake? Let’s just say it went from “let’s do this” to “ghosted” faster than you can say “Michael Saylor.”

According to a 13F filing that dropped on Tuesday (because nothing says “Wall Street” like a midweek paperwork dump), Jane Street has been playing hard to get with Bitcoin. The firm dramatically reduced its positions in BlackRock and Fidelity’s Bitcoin ETFs, cutting ties with the iShares Bitcoin Trust and Fidelity Wise Origin Bitcoin Fund like they were last season’s trends. BlackRock’s IBIT? Down 71% to a measly $225 million. Fidelity’s FBTC? A 60% drop to $115 million. Ouch.

But hey, every breakup needs a rebound, right? Enter Ether, the crypto equivalent of a charming barista with a mysterious past. Jane Street nearly doubled its holdings in BlackRock’s iShares Ethereum Trust and threw an extra $82 million at Fidelity’s Ethereum fund. Because nothing says “I’m over Bitcoin” like a lavish spending spree on its rival.

And let’s not forget Strategy, the company led by Michael Saylor, who’s probably updating his LinkedIn as we speak. Jane Street’s shares plummeted from 968,000 to 210,000, with the value shrinking from $146 million to $27 million. That’s the financial equivalent of “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Remember when Jane Street was all in on Strategy last quarter, boosting its position by 473%? Yeah, that was cute. Now it’s like they’re pretending they never met.

Ether: The New Black, Bitcoin: So Last Season

But it’s not just ETFs getting the boot. Jane Street also trimmed its stakes in Bitcoin mining firms like IREN, Cipher Mining, TeraWulf, and Core Scientific. Because if you’re going to break up with Bitcoin, you might as well ghost all its friends too.

Of course, Jane Street isn’t completely swearing off crypto. The firm still has a soft spot for Riot Platforms, Coinbase, and Galaxy Digital, boosting its holdings like a rebound romance. Galaxy Digital, in particular, got the VIP treatment, with holdings skyrocketing from 17,000 shares to 1.5 million. That’s what I call a glow-up.

But let’s not forget the fine print: 13F filings are like those “based on a true story” movies-they give you the highlights but leave out the juicy details. Jane Street’s complete trading book? Still a mystery. Derivatives and short exposure? Shrouded in secrecy. Because why be transparent when you can keep everyone guessing?

Meanwhile, Reuters reports Jane Street raked in a record $16.1 billion in trading revenue in Q1 2026. Volatile markets and AI investments? More like “volatile markets and AI investments” are just fancy excuses for “we’re really good at this.”

And let’s not forget Jane Street’s cameo in the TerraUSD drama. The firm’s asking a court to dismiss a lawsuit accusing it of insider trading during the stablecoin’s 2022 collapse. Jane Street’s defense? “We didn’t do it, and even if we did, it’s not our fault.” Classic.

According to court filings, Jane Street claims the lawsuit is just Terraform Labs trying to “extract cash” for its own fraud. And those allegations of trading on confidential info? Jane Street says it was all public knowledge. Because nothing says “innocent” like a well-timed “I knew it all along.”

So there you have it: Jane Street’s crypto saga, complete with breakups, rebounds, and a dash of legal drama. Bitcoin’s loss is Ether’s gain, and the only thing certain is that Jane Street’s next move will be just as unpredictable as a David Sedaris essay.

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2026-05-13 13:04