Behold, the kingdom of cryptocurrency, where prices rise like a drunkard’s hopes at dawn, and spot ETFs dance their infernal waltz. Last week, the market leader-Bitcoin-reached a multi-month high, a feat achieved either by divine intervention or sheer spite toward investors.
Let us now tally the alchemy of gains and losses, the ebb and flow of funds, as if they were the tides of a madhouse.
BTC ETFs: The Gluttonous Victor
The BTC ETFs, those ravenous beasts, feasted on funds last week, gulping $532 million on Monday alone, $467 million on Tuesday, and a mere $46 million on Wednesday as Bitcoin flirted with $83,000. But alas, their gluttony turned to vomiting by Thursday ($277 million outflows) and Friday ($146 million), leaving them with a meager $622.75 million weekly gain-a triumph over the previous week’s paltry $154 million.
The grand total? A staggering $59 billion in cumulative inflows, a number so large it makes God weep into His beard.
ETH ETFs: A Fickle Flame
Ethereum’s ETFs, by contrast, behaved like a jilted lover. They drew $61 million on Monday, $97.6 million on Tuesday, and $11.6 million on Wednesday, only to suffer a brutal $103.5 million hemorrhage on Thursday. Friday, in a fit of pique, they managed a feeble $3.6 million inflow, ending the week with a modest $70 million gain. Still, this couldn’t undo the previous week’s $82 million exodus-a tragedy of errors.
Since their inception in mid-2024, these funds have siphoned $12 billion, a sum that would make a miser weep into his ledger.
XRP ETFs and the Uninvited Guests
Ripple’s XRP ETFs, the quiet workhorse of the bunch, avoided red ink entirely last week. Thursday was a day of neutrality ($0.00 flows), but Monday ($4M), Tuesday ($11M), Wednesday ($13M), and Friday ($6M) kept the machine chugging. The week closed with $34 million in inflows, a modest but dignified performance compared to last week’s $35K outflow.
Total net flows now stand at $1.32 billion-an all-time high, or as one investor put it, “a miracle, if miracles were funded by fools.”
Among the honorable mentions: SOL ETFs, which swallowed $40 million like a greedy child at a candy store, while LINK and DOGE ETFs scraped together about $1 million each-a pittance, but enough to buy a loaf of bread and a lie.
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2026-05-10 17:54