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Congress Declares “Crypto Week” – Watch Lawmakers Pretend They Understand Bitcoin

BBG News
  • U.S. House designates July 14 as Crypto Week for major crypto votes. Yes, really. 🗓️🤷‍♀️
  • CLARITY Act: Because apparently, “confusing as hell” isn’t a regulatory strategy. 🔎
  • GENIUS Act: No, not what you think. Just more paperwork for stablecoins. 🧠💸
  • Anti-CBDC bill: The “Big Brother, Not Today” Act. 👀🚫

So, the House of Representatives is doing that thing again—you know, giving something a catchy name so people might actually pay attention. July 14–18, 2025: “Crypto Week.” Trust me, it’s less sexy than it sounds. Three hulking digital asset bills are up for debate. Think of it as Shark Tank for politicians who still think blockchain is a children’s toy.

CLARITY Act: Clear as Mud, but with Legalese

The “Digital Asset Market Clarity Act” (subtle!) attempts to make U.S. crypto rules less of a dumpster fire. The SEC and CFTC—those alphabet soups everyone loves—get more regulatory power. Companies must actually tell investors what they’re doing (#innovation) and keep client money in a different piggy bank than their own. Revolutionary! Or, as your grandmother might call it: “common sense.”

Meanwhile, lawmakers also dusted off the GENIUS Act. Apparently, the name was the high point. This bill tackles dollar-backed stablecoins, presumably because someone finally googled “USDT” and got scared. Issuers have to follow rules, keep real reserves, and—wait for it—make things safer for users. The real genius here is whoever managed to sell this as political innovation rather than just “Please Don’t Tank the Economy, 2025 Edition.”

Enter: Anti-CBDC Surveillance State Act. Because apparently, the idea of the Fed creating a digital currency gives Congress the heebie-jeebies. Lawmakers fear The Government might watch you buy socks—or worse, avocado toast. If this passes, America becomes the world’s first big country to tell its own central bank to mind its business. Privacy, maintained. Well, in theory. Still have TikTok on your phone, don’t you? 😂

Crypto Week: In Which Congress Tries to Out-Innovate Wyoming

Apparently, “Crypto Week” is historic—a “once-in-a-generation opportunity” to put U.S. crypto regulation on the map (between “Abstract Art” and “Unhelpful Road Signs”). According to Tom Emmer, this is America embracing innovation, protecting privacy, and securing that totally-not-made-up title, “World’s Crypto Capital.” Dream big, Tom. Glenn Thompson, meanwhile, is thrilled that the CLARITY Act is finally getting the attention it deserves—presumably after years in regulatory purgatory.

Across the hall, the Senate is suiting up. Cynthia Lummis wants the U.S. to mimic Wyoming, because when you think crypto, you think Wyoming (or you do now). Senator Tim Scott is putting the ball in Trump’s court, as if America’s digital destiny depends on The Art of the Deal. Republicans are convinced these bills will make the U.S. Web3’s main character. Hollywood, take notes.

Not everyone’s buying it. Some Democrats are side-eyeing the lovefest between crypto companies and former President Trump, especially since reporters claim his family has made more on tokens than most of us make in a lifetime (including Monopoly). Yet, plot twist: the votes roll forward anyway.

So, what’s the bottom line? The future of U.S. crypto is about to be decided by people who probably still print out their emails. If these bills make it through, the Senate gets its turn, and then the White House. The whole crypto world will be sitting on their hands (and their hardware wallets), watching as Congress debates, starting July 14. Some people watch Netflix. Others watch legislative sausage-making in real time. Who wore it better? 👗💼🪙

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2025-07-04 18:17

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