Category: Crypto news

Mr. Black had long forgotten about his past shenanigans until he stumbled upon the horrifying realization that Google’s AI and a driving school website were treating his joke about Cwmbran having more roundabouts than any other place on Earth as a factual statement. Yes, those circular road things that make you question your life choices. Ben had written it as a joke years ago, but the internet, being the internet, decided to run with it like a dog with a stolen sock.

Apparently, exchange-traded funds (ETFs) in the US – those things I pretend to understand – recorded a net inflow of $220.7 million on April 2. Meanwhile, the rest of us were busy panicking about President Trump’s new trade tariffs. Because, you know, what’s a casual global economic meltdown compared to checking if my sourdough starter is still alive?

After closing its worst Q1 since the days when folks still thought flip phones were the height of technology, Ethereum finds itself stuck in a price range tighter than a pair of old boots. It’s been hovering between $1,775 and $1,925, like a bird that forgot how to fly. Last Monday, it made a half-hearted attempt at recovery, but it’s still 6% shy of its monthly opening. Talk about a slow dance!

President Trump’s announcement of a US crypto strategic reserve has set the cat among the pigeons, and we’re left wondering: what’s the real motive behind this move? Is it to solidify the US’s position as the crypto capital of the world, or is it a clever ruse to distract us from the elephant in the room – the lack of security measures in place?

This sudden plunge in confidence comes hot on the heels of Trump’s so-called “Liberation Day” plan, unveiled on April 2nd. The aggressive trade measures, targeting key global partners, have stoked fears of economic instability, sending investors fleeing from riskier assets like cryptocurrencies. Because, of course, why not add a little chaos to the mix? 🤷‍♂️

In a missive dispatched via the curious platform known as X, Richard Teng, with the gravitas of a seasoned statesman, assured the good people that their safety is, indeed, the paramount concern of the exchange. He waxed poetic about the noble pursuit of user safety, even in those far-flung regions where the laws of cryptocurrency are as clear as mud.

Pi Coin now clings to life at $0.6722, dangerously close to its all-time low of $0.6152 from February. It’s a sad, almost poetic descent, considering how quickly it shot up to $2.98 on February 26, when Pi briefly basked in the glory of being in the top 10 cryptocurrencies. But as the excitement of the rise quickly wore off, so did the investors’ confidence. With the market cap collapsing from $20 billion to just $4.56 billion, it’s hard to see how this will end well.

Itaú Unibanco, the largest banking institution in Brazil, is considering the issuance of a stablecoin, cautiously hoping to learn from the experiences of American banks and the final stablecoin regulations in the country.

ByteDance, the Chinese behemoth behind the app, has been handed an ultimatum: sell TikTok’s U.S. operations to a non-Chinese entity by April 5, 2025, or face an outright ban. This decree, born of bipartisan paranoia over data privacy and foreign meddling, was initially set for January 19, 2025, but was graciously postponed by none other than former President Donald Trump, who presumably needed more time to tweet about it.

Imagine, if you will, these shadowy figures, operating under the veil of false identities, embedding themselves in the heart of tech innovation. Their antics, while brazen, are as comical as they are cunning, painting a picture of espionage straight out of a Bulgakov novel, but with a digital twist.