Category: Crypto news

So, here’s the scoop: Vito, the founder of MetaEra and ND Labs, posted about some “mysterious founder” who gained fame through Binance, launched a hyped-up project on Solana, fell flat on their face, and then crawled back to Binance Chain, begging for support. A classic case of “use me, abuse me,” right? To end things with a twist of irony, Vito called it “purely fictional.” Guess what CZ did next? He threw in his own tale of intrigue—fictional, of course. 😉

According to the town crier (read: X thread), on a fateful evening—May 4th, 2025—BitcoinOS whipped out its BitSNARK protocol and, avec flourish, trotted out the new xBTC token. The audience gasped. A plucky user locked up 1 BTC on Bitcoin’s illustrious Layer 1, then—presto!—minted xBTC, a wrapped asset so sophisticated even the courtiers at Versailles would weep with envy. Cryptographic proofs, rather than an army of butlers, ensure the original Bitcoin’s safe keeping. Sacré bleu!

IOTA (IOTA), that battered token, stumbled to $0.2040, a pitiful crawl just beneath last week’s giddy heights of $0.24. Market cap wallowed at $777 million, which would make any gambler weep—unless you happen to be the House.

Upon the broad, featureless tundra of the weekly chart, the mysterious analyst known as GreenCrypto (his true identity as elusive as honest bread in a labor camp) sketches the great Ascending Wedge — a monument to human optimism or hubris, it’s hard to tell. 2023’s trend is declared: ever upward, straight as an officer’s back, with an all-time high target sitting at $1.161. That’s a 582% climb, a number so fantastic it would make even Soviet propagandists blush.

XRP, never one to pass up a good plunge, has heroically lost 2.42% in a single day. One has to admire that level of commitment, really.

For the past fortnight, Ethereum’s price has been stuck in neutral, like a car with a bad clutch. Yet, despite the *yawn-worthy* price stagnation, the holders aren’t backing down. Oh no. The number of accumulating addresses has increased by 22.5% since March, and exchanges are seeing withdrawals. That’s right, whales and retailers alike are quietly pulling their ETH out. And let’s not forget, the stock-to-flow ratio is at a yearly high, which means ETH is getting scarcer. Hold onto your hats, folks. 🐋💰

As of the ever-so-sophisticated Tuesday, May 6, XRP is prancing about at $2.18, dipping into a little range between $2.13 and $2.17. Now, don’t let the recent losses and lackluster sentiment fool you, darling—there’s a glimmer of hope in this tech-heavy charade. The long-term forecasts are looking a bit less dreary than your last dinner party.

Folks, whether you’re a local who never left the county or a jet-lagged tourist looking to jazz up your blockchain wallet—Moneta’s here for you. The process has a one-step simplicity even Tom Joad could follow: hand over dollars, receive USDM, no slippery middlemen to muck things up. The tokens come out the other end at a one-to-one ratio, as even and fair as poker chips in a dustbowl saloon.

Meet The Press, that distinguished American pantomime, unfurled its red carpet for Trump on May 4—alongside more mundane fare such as economies and foreign intrigue, they sampled the confectionery of crypto. The former president, suddenly the hero of digital buffoonery, confessed to being hazy about the latest surges in $TRUMP. Coins—digital or otherwise—were never so abstract as in the hands of this particular conjurer.

Apparently, this is all about helping classrooms, teachers, and students discover the mysterious world of literacy, financial acumen, and the kind of STEM innovation that usually involves homemade volcanoes exploding on unsuspecting janitors. The announcement, timed with Teacher Appreciation Week, might lead one to believe this is all a ruse to secure the world’s largest collection of those “World’s Best Teacher” mugs, but Ripple insists it’s part of a “crypto meets philanthropy” strategy—presumably because “crypto meets confusion” was already taken.