Category: Crypto news

And who, you inquire, keeps the chorus informed? Why, ‘tis the sage Daan, analyst par excellence, who presents charts with all the pomp of a royal notary. His revelations? Bitcoin reserves on exchanges dwindle faster than invitations after Molière’s “Tartuffe” premiere. Investors hide their coins as though these digital ducats were rare truffles, and with each retreat, the threat of a raucous rally grows! When the coins leave the public stage (read: exchanges), so too does the selling pressure slink away—leaving us poised for more than your average soirée.

So, Dr. Altcoin—who I gotta say talks about altcoins like he’s trying to sell you a used Hyundai—says Banxa can now, instantly, push Pi coin onto people in 100+ countries. Convenient? Sure. But let’s be honest, if it’s so great, where have they been until now? What, you need a secret handshake and a blood sample for this KYB thing?

The ones being left on read: Galxe (GAL), Litentry (LIT), Mines of Dalarnia (DAR), Orion Protocol (ORN), and PARSIQ (PRQ). If you own any of these, congratulations on finding the rare Pokémon of crypto… but also, maybe call your accountant? 🤷‍♀️

Meanwhile, total addresses on Shibarium hit a mind-boggling 204,182,966. That’s more dogs in this club than on Instagram, and every one of them is probably just trying to buy some dog treats or a non-fungible fire hydrant.

Let’s break it down: 60.9 billion DOGE were moved, reaching a seven-day high. That’s right, we’re talking numbers so big, they make your head spin. You think you’re doing well with your crypto, but then you see a number like that and you wonder if you should just quit and buy some Dogecoin instead. For the record, the seven-day low was 12.97 billion DOGE—because, apparently, whales are taking naps at the beginning of the week. They need their beauty sleep.

Now, launching a token in Web3 is a little like opening a restaurant and forgetting to tell the chef, the patrons, or even the mayor with the comically large scissors. The ZORA token hit the market in true Pratchettian style: i.e., with chaos, confusion, and a price drop sturdy enough to shatter a dwarfish anvil. No one announced the launch until two hours after trading started. Social media, ever the compassionate and balanced voice of reason, exploded in a chorus of, “Wait, what?” and “Where’s my airdrop?”

Wall Street’s biggest brains are now sprinting after crypto. Goldman Sachs is throwing spaghetti at the blockchain, betting on three core things: trading crypto, lending your precious Bitcoins in exchange for some cold, hard cash, and “tokenizing” regular, old assets. In other words, they want to make your real estate portfolio more like Pokémon cards—but with more paperwork and fewer Pikachu.

Wilks and Mukherjee were supposed to be the grown-ups in the room, guiding us through the labyrinthine world of crypto taxes. But instead, they’ve opted for the “voluntary resignation program” under the Department of Government Efficiency (D.O.G.E.). A program that apparently only gets more popular the more complicated things get. 🏃‍♂️💨

According to CoinMarketCap—which is the only thing traders trust after their gut—TON’s been slipping and sliding down to $3.10, clinging to support levels like they’re dangling off the edge of a subway platform. Yet, even while it’s doing its best impression of a Yo-Yo, TON managed to out-market-cap SHIB. If you’re surprised, welcome to crypto, where logic takes a holiday!

Apparently, the only altcoins stealing a bit of Bitcoin’s thunder are the new kids on the blockchain—fresh, sparkly, and still optimistic about the world. The old-timers? Bless them, they’re trudging behind, barely getting noticed. If you’re waiting for a dramatic altcoin comeback, best grab a snack and get comfy. 🥱