Monster Hunter Wilds has a new hotfix incoming, and it might be good news for anyone whose hunter happens to be bald and have no eyebrows

Capcom has announced via Twitter that their upcoming patch, Version 1.010.01.00, will soon be deployed across PC, PS5, and Xbox Series X|S. This deployment is scheduled for later today, at 7pm Pacific Time or 10pm Eastern Time (April 15 in the United States), which translates to 3am British Summer Time on April 16 for those residing in the UK.

Solana Bonanza! Janover’s Crypto Caper?! 🤑

Now, get this! According to some fancy announcement (April 15th, mark it in your calendars!), Janover’s now got a grand total of 163,651.7 Solana thingamajigs. Apparently, they’re worth about $21.2 million, including some sort of “staking rewards.” Sounds like a lottery to me. 🤪 Anyway, each share is now swimming in 0.11 SOL, valued at $14.47 – a 120% increase, they say. Blimey!

Ethereum’s Dramatic Flirtation With $3,000: Poets & Pessimists Argue Over Coins

Oh, the delirious market—the same caprice that lifted us high has, with a sigh of economic ennui, tossed everything into sullen decline. Ethereum, the sufferer, the dreamer, has seen its hope shrivel by two-thirds since the giddy apogee of $4,878. And yet, like a poet who finds fresh rhyme amid ruins, ETH recovered 9% this week, its value now clinging shyly to that $1,500 lifeline. Investors glance at their volumes, $12 billion whispering, “Proceed, but do not run.”

Tariffs Tantrums! 😱 Bitcoin’s Blunder?! 📉

The Americans, in a display of economic one-upmanship, have slapped tariffs on Chinese imports to the tune of 245%! A positively vulgar display. And, as if that weren’t enough, they’ve also placed new restrictions on chip exports. One shudders to think of the implications for the cocktail party circuit. 🍸