You Won’t Believe Who’s Hoarding Bitcoin Like a Russian Landlord!

Outside, a chill wind rattled the market’s windows; Fidelity, ARK, and Grayscale—grim, fur-collared gentlemen of the crypto world—could be seen tiptoeing into the evening with pockets suspiciously lighter. Fidelity, grumbling, misplaced 917 coins; ARK absent-mindedly scattered 2,389; and Grayscale, clutching its portfolio with trembling hands, let slip 103 precious satoshis. The collective mishap: more than 3,400 BTC vanished as if carried off by a stray dog beneath the table.

And what of BlackRock? Picture, if you will, a rotund and ambitious merchant at the far end of the room. While rivals sobbed into their glasses, BlackRock—face impassive, eyes glinting with the cunning of ten provincial attorneys—amassed 10,249 BTC in a single, calculated scoop. The number is so large that even Chekhov’s bureaucrats would gasp and demand more ink for their ledgers. At current prices, this little adventure costs nearly $970 million (or, as the banker’s wife might say, “Monday”).

The story doesn’t end amid ledger sheets. BlackRock, apparently never satisfied with the amount of coin jingling in its pockets, now cradles 582,614 BTC directly—worth more than $55 billion (yes, rubles would have been so much easier to count). This is separate from its ETF stash, just in case anyone thought they might run out.

We must avoid the fantasy that BlackRock is gambling like a tipsy uncle at a village card table. Instead, it fulfills orders with the single-mindedness of a government clerk stamping forms at midnight: the buyers demand IBIT; BlackRock, sighing heavily, must buy the Bitcoin. Such is capitalism, or perhaps just ennui in financial form.

While others panic and dive under the sofa cushions, BlackRock walks tall—perhaps seeing something the rest have missed, or simply betting the crowd is staring out the wrong frosty window yet again.

Not to be upstaged, Ethereum joined our tragicomedy: while Grayscale’s Ethereum Trust bled value, iShares’ ETHA ETF gobbled up over 37,000 ETH in the day—a fine supper for those who aren’t counting calories.

In the Russian winter of investing, BlackRock’s table appears remarkably well-set. Pass the vodka, please.

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2025-04-29 18:57