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You Won’t Believe Who Tried to Make Stablecoins Great Again (and Totally Didn’t)

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Classic day on Capitol Hill: Senator Tim Scott—aka Captain Sensible, saviour of the US economy, destroyer of bipartisan buzzkills—takes the stage to dramatically blame the death of the “GENIUS” Act (yes, genuinely called that, as if they’re all auditioning for a Marvel sequel) entirely on partisan politics. 🎭

According to Scott, this bill was supposed to be a mega leap into the golden age of affordable, whiz-bang innovation for regular folk. But, instead: drama. The Senate did what the Senate does best—play Who Can Punt This Football Furthest Down The Aisle. (Spoiler: It’s always the party with the matching ties and strongest coffee.)

“Instead, we witnessed a disappointing display of political gamesmanship that puts partisan politics above policy, and obstruction above innovation,“ thundered Scott, who, at this point, may as well have been delivering the weather forecast for a long storm of finger-pointing.

Cue backstory montage: The bill apparently had been through so many amendments it needed a spa day, mostly to coddle Democratic worries over stablecoin cowboys, money laundering, and other nefarious plotlines.

Scott Has Opinions. Obstruction Has Drama.

Scott, a South Carolina Republican with a penchant for righteous one-liners, bemoaned that the “GENIUS Act was a bipartisan achievement at the Banking Committee.” Teamwork! Warm fuzzies! But alas, once the TV lights came on, everybody started acting like they were on a reality show called “America’s Next Top Legislative Roadblock.”

His not-at-all-subtle allegation? The Democrats weren’t actually worried about the bill itself but were determined to block President Trump from snagging a gold star for “Best Digital Asset Agenda.”

“It was a vote against President Trump and President Trump’s legislative agenda. It was a vote to stop President Trump from having a victory in the digital asset space.“

And if you’re keeping score, yes, we’re at that point in the election cycle where any policy or sandwich order can become a Trump referendum.

Meanwhile, Democrats Smell Something… Funky

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren—eternal crusader against crypto shenanigans—had a moment. Suddenly, the Trump family-connected stablecoin (named USD1 because why not) soared after a “totally not suspicious at all” $2 billion deal with a firm from Abu Dhabi landed on Binance. Insert more eyebrow-raises than in an entire season of Love Island.

“The Senate shouldn’t pass a crypto bill this week to facilitate this kind of corruption,“ thundered Warren, possibly from beneath a thundercloud of disapproval.

On May 1, some Abu Dhabi investors used the Trumpy stablecoin USD1 for a mind-blowing $2 billion investment. One minute, the coin’s market value was sputtering at $137 million; the next day? $2.13 billion! (If only my savings account could do that after a cheeky weekend.)

Understandably, the Democrats got a bit twitchy about Trump playing Crypto Monopoly. Four of the “pro-crypto” Democrats who’d been pals with the GENIUS Act suddenly put their sensible shoes back on, signing a statement expressing deep anxiety (and probably some indigestion) about the whole thing. Names withheld to protect the formerly enthusiastic.

But then, Representative Maxine Waters came out swinging. No polite hedging here.

“If there is no effort to block the President of the United States of America from owning his stablecoin business […] I will never be able to agree on supporting this bill, and I would ask other members not to be enablers,” Waters said. Talk about “It’s not you, it’s your shady crypto coin.”

Let’s Make Crypto Laws. Funnier Acronyms, Please.

The Democrats, clearly determined to out-legislate the crypto drama, whipped up the Modern Emoluments and Malfeasance Enforcement Act. (Yes, MEME Act. House staffers must have had a field day.)

And just when you thought the naming couldn’t get drier, along came the End Crypto Corruption Act, courtesy of Jeff Merkley and Chuck Schumer. The premise: Keep presidents, vice presidents, top officials, Congress folks, and even their next of kin from cashing in on memecoins, stablecoins, and all coins in between. Sorry, family crypto-pet projects! 🚫🪙

Merkley’s plot twist: If people want to curry favor with the president, they might just buy up his crypto. Shocker, I know. He dubbed this racket “profoundly corrupt,” a phrase tailor-made for dramatic readings at dinner parties.

Warren, not to be left out, chimed in for the umpteenth time that green-lighting Trump’s “crypto corruption” package is, in fact, bad. Her message: Don’t let the GENIUS Act turn into the Don Quixote of crypto—tragic, misguided, and ultimately tilting at bitcoin windmills.

“The GENIUS Act will simply facilitate Trump’s crypto corruption,” Warren said, presumably before dropping a mic made out of shredded Super PAC flyers.

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2025-05-09 16:24

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