You Won’t Believe Who FTX Is Suing Now—And for How Many Millions in Crypto Tokens! 🤯

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A most extraordinary affair has unfolded, dear reader! Here comes FTX, that bankrupt humbug of a crypto exchange, lugging itself into court yet again, as if its misfortunes weren’t already as thick as pelmeni in a Gogolian feast. This time, our battered protagonist brandishes lawsuits against not one, but two companies—NFT Stars Limited and Kurosemi Inc.—accusing them of refusing to return a pocketful of glittering digital tokens. (One might say, in St. Petersburg, fortunes change more slowly than this!)

FTX, with a solemn puff of legal mustiness, whimpers plaintively to the bureaucrats in US bankruptcy court. They shout accusations of hidden tokens and contracts ignored, all in the name of rescuing what remains for their creditors, whose faces no doubt grow longer with each court session. In the fine tradition of Russian melodrama, FTX declares (imagine a bureaucrat waving papers):

“We beg the issuers, nay, beseech them to come forth with our tokens. Or else—litigation! Our team is working so hard, they have steam rising from their wigs!” 🕵️‍♂️⚖️

It transpires that FTX’s now not-so-mysterious affair with Alameda Research (disguised as Alameda Ventures, and then in a classic Gogolian twist, renamed Maclaurin Investment) has gone awry. Maclaurin, with the earnest faith of a clerk receiving a government post, paid $325,000 for—get this—1,354,166 SENATE tokens and a gluttonous handful of SIDUS. But, like a postman who never arrives, NFT Stars Limited is apparently still sitting on 831,691 SENATE tokens and over 83 million SIDUS tokens, whistling and twiddling its thumbs somewhere in cyberspace.

Not to be outdone in absurdity, the lawsuit against Kurosemi, masterminds behind Delysium—the “AI agent platform” (one shudders to guess what sort of agent; certainly not the honest kind)—features FTX claiming to have splashed $1 million for 75 million Delysium (AGI) tokens… and received nothing but a “Coming soon!” sign worthy of a Petersburg government office. Delysium, for its part, issued a statement as warm and welcoming as a Siberian winter:

“Due to [FTX’s] bankruptcy, we will not be allocating them the tokens.” 😐

One can almost hear the laughter of the gods—or perhaps the clerks in their dusty offices—as FTX, with the zeal of a St. Petersburg civil servant, continues its pursuit. All this, of course, swirls around the record-keeping ruins left by Sam Bankman-Fried, a man who, legend has it, took billions from the till to loan to Alameda, and brought about the collapse of the entire circus.

And so, dear reader, the FTX saga marches on. Make haste—lest the tokens vanish like a bureaucrat at closing time! 🚪💨

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2025-04-30 22:02