If you’re like me, the closest you get to Bitcoin is realizing that your bank account looks like it’s been ravaged by moths every time you try that “buy the dip” thing TikTok keeps talking about. But not everyone is such an artistic failure at investing. Enter Semler Scientific—a NASDAQ-listed company that apparently got bored saving money under the mattress and decided to make it rain Bitcoin instead.
On the 29th of April (a date every Bitcoin influencer will now mention in their memoirs), Chairman Eric Semler solemnly announced the purchase of 165 more BTC. That brings their magic little pile to 3,467 Bitcoins. Yes, that’s three thousand, four hundred, and sixty-seven more than I have—thanks for asking.
How to Strengthen a Bitcoin Position Without Even Lifting Weights 🏋️♀️
In the official document—which was either written by lawyers or by robots programmed to sound like lawyers—we learned that between April 25 and April 29, 2025, Semler Scientific acquired 165 Bitcoins for $15.7 million. That’s about $94,931 per Bitcoin, fees included. (Meanwhile I’m still wondering if I can use grocery store coupons to buy crypto. Spoiler: I cannot.)
This sudden avalanche of Bitcoin was funded by something called an “at-the-market (ATM) equity offering,” which basically means they sold more of their own shares to buy imaginary internet coins. It’s the corporate equivalent of selling your rare Beanie Babies to buy vintage pogs. The end result? They’ve spent $306.1 million collecting 3,467 Bitcoins with an average cost of $88,263 per coin. As of April 29, their stash is worth $330.6 million—if they can ever figure out their wallet password, that is.
Turns out, Semler Scientific has been more obsessed with Bitcoin than that cousin you only hear from when they’re pitching a new NFT. Now, they’re hanging out with the cool kids: among the largest corporate Bitcoin holders. Their strategy is a shameless copy of Metaplanet and the ever-dramatic Strategy—because why come up with your own playbook when you can just Xerox someone else’s?
For comparison: Strategy bought 6,556 Bitcoins, now clutching an actual mountain of 553,555 BTC (estimated street value: enough to buy Twitter, or at least a blue checkmark). Metaplanet bought 330 more, bringing their total to 4,855 BTC. If you’re keeping score at home, you should consider picking up a hobby.
Anyway, the share sale—559,000 of them—brought in $19.5 million, which the company basically hurled at Bitcoin. This is what passes for “deliberate financial strategy” in 2025.
Measuring Success by How Much Bitcoin You’ve Hoarded 📈
Semler Scientific put out an update with a figure they call a “BTC yield”—it’s apparently up 23.8% this year. Basically, they’re using this as their KPI, which I think stands for “Keenly Pursuing Insanity.”
Just to be clear: The company keeps minting more shares, then uses the proceeds to buy more Bitcoin. It’s like having a yard sale every week and spending all the money on Magic Beans. Except their beans are imaginary and have actual value (for now).
They’re also releasing their Q1 2025 earnings on May 13. CEO Doug Murphy-Chutorian and his senior squad will host a conference call, probably to explain to investors why they keep buying Bitcoin instead of, say, lunch. Register early, they say, and submit your questions, like: “Can I get paid in Bitcoin or do you prefer Monopoly money?”
In other news from the “I wish this were a joke” department, Coinbase is rolling out a Bitcoin Yield Fund for non-U.S. institutions on May 1. Apparently, you can now make your Bitcoin work harder than a Starbucks barista during Pumpkin Spice season.
Oh, and BitMEX’s Arthur Hayes just tossed out a little prediction that Bitcoin will hit $1.5 million by 2028, which makes people like me feel like I should’ve bought a pizza with Bitcoin back in 2010. In related news, the price is currently $94,330.25, down a measly 0.51%—so just another ordinary emotional rollercoaster in crypto land. 🎢
Read More
- Clash Royale Best Boss Bandit Champion decks
- Mobile Legends November 2025 Leaks: Upcoming new heroes, skins, events and more
- The John Wick spinoff ‘Ballerina’ slays with style, but its dialogue has two left feet
- Stocks stay snoozy as Moody’s drops U.S. credit—guess we’re all just waiting for the crash
- Bentley Delivers Largest Fleet of Bespoke Flying Spurs to Galaxy Macau
- Delta Force Best Settings and Sensitivity Guide
- Kingdom Rush Battles Tower Tier List
- Vampire’s Fall 2 redeem codes and how to use them (June 2025)
- ‘Australia’s Most Sexually Active Woman’ Annie Knight reveals her shock plans for the future – after being hospitalised for sleeping with 583 men in a single day
- Clash of Clans: How to beat the Fully Staffed Challenge
2025-04-30 22:20