You Won’t Believe What Happens to Bitcoin After Canadian Pro-Crypto Candidate’s Defeat! 😱

What the Night Brought (as remembered by a tormented observer):

By James Van Straten (Time and suffering measured in ET, but truly in existential dread)

And so, comrades, Bitcoin — that digital Sisyphus, forever shouldering its own boulder up the slope of destiny — remained perched precariously near $95,000. The Canadian election, which promised hope in the form of a pro-crypto prime minister and then cruelly snatched it away, barely ruffled the market’s brow. In the oppressive silence between fate and fortune, all eyes flickered toward looming economic data, as if Friday’s non-farm payrolls report might contain some final reckoning — or perhaps only another absurdity.

Meanwhile, Bitcoin, in a pattern as symmetrical and implacable as a Dostoevskian family quarrel, forms higher lows and lower highs. Is this a triangle of hope, or merely the walls of a cell? If the price breaks above $95,500, perhaps the bull shall charge. Or perhaps, with but a hint of mockery, the floor will give way, and downwards we spiral. Isn’t it beautiful, this uncertainty? 😏

Technically (ah, this word, as cold as a Petersburg winter), the hashrate, that proud measurement of miners’ toil, has soared almost to legend — yet now, how it slows! A difficulty adjustment approaches, whispering relief to the miners, their brows as furrowed as Raskolnikov’s after a particularly clumsy swing of the axe. Hashprice, meanwhile, languishes at near five-year lows. All is struggle, all is longing.

The week’s economic omens: personal spending, GDP growth on Wednesday, yet the real spectacle — the jobs report — marches in on Friday. Economists, those Karamazovs of calculation, predict new jobs will fall to 135,000 from March’s vigorous 228,000. The unemployment rate (an expression of collective ennui) sits stubbornly at 4.2%. The CME FedWatch Tool — menacing, nearly sentient — forecasts with 91% certainty the interest rate limbo will persist at 4.25%–4.50%. One wonders which is heavier: the ruble or the irony?

And in the feverish dance of quarterly earnings: Microsoft and Meta bare their souls Wednesday, Apple and Amazon their secrets on Thursday. Stay vigilant, dear reader — joy sometimes arrives uninvited, like an unclaimed inheritance.

Conferences (where men gather to bravely misinterpret the world):

CoinDesk’s Consensus in Toronto comes soon, as certain as resignation. May 14-16. Code: DAYBOOK for relief (15% off — not off your existential angst, sadly).

Day 3 of 4: Web Summit Rio 2025 (bonding over caipirinhas and regret)
Day 2 of 2: Staking Summit Dubai (everyone’s rich except you)
April 29: El Salvador Digital Assets Summit 2025 (San Salvador, El Salvador)
April 29: IFGS 2025 (London, mostly gloomy)
April 30-May 1: TOKEN2049 (Dubai — where the tokens gleam brighter than hope)
May 6-7: Financial Times Digital Assets Summit (London)
May 11-17: Canada Crypto Week (Toronto — bring a coat and existential questions)
May 12-13: Dubai FinTech Summit
May 12-13: Filecoin Developer Summit (Toronto)
May 12-13: TLDR DeFi Conference (New York)
May 12-14: ACI’s 9th Annual “We’re Still Regulating Crypto” Forum (NY)
May 13: Blockchain Futurist Conference (Toronto, fantasies guaranteed)
May 13: ETHWomen (Toronto, strength and sanity not included)

Token Talk (On BNB, the Tedium Prevails)

By Shaurya Malwa (no one escapes the mirthless grind)

Behold! The Lorentz upgrade on BNB Chain ascends nobly, uplifting BNB — at least according to the press release — and granting the token the speed of a Dostoevskian confession under severe duress.
Validators now exchange data with a briskness that makes a Moscow tram look lethargic.
New capability! Multiple blocks at once, as if life could be so generous. Well, at least someone’s moving quickly. ⚡️
Block times drop to 1.5 seconds, or maybe 0.75 if fate smiles — faster even than someone changing allegiance after market downturns.
Now, Dapps frolic and prance. Developers keep working, sleeping soundly because nothing fundamental has changed, except perhaps the spelling of “efficiency.”
Faster networks bring more users, bring more tokens, bring more value — a cycle as endless as Ivan’s doubts or a family WhatsApp chat.

Derivatives Positioning (A Ballet of Speculation)

Global open interest across all instruments: $122 billion (give or take a few existential crises)
SUI surges in derivatives, peaking at 5.06% of perpetuals volume — proof, perhaps, that hope springs eternal, or at least until someone tweets “Rug Pull.”
OI top gainers — a parade of acronyms and percentages:
- SAFE: +123% (safe as a Dostoevskian marriage)
- RAY: +92% (sharp as wit at a funeral)
- MOCA: +68% (dreamy as a drunken epiphany)

Market Movements (One Step Forward, Two Existential Questions Back):

BTC: +0.43% at $95,009.93 (24hrs: +0.33%)
ETH: +2.81% at $1,838.46 (joyous in its suffering)
CoinDesk 20: +0.85% at 2,792.69 (24hrs: -0.08%)
Ether CESR Staking Rate: up 28 bps at 2.975% (do not consider mortgaging your soul… yet)
BTC funding rate: 0.0005% (annualized: almost enough to cover a cup of tea)

DXY: up 0.27% at 99.28 (because numbers, like suffering, must always go up)
Gold: down 1.11% at $3,306.08/oz (sorry, Midas)
Silver: up 0.41% at $33.28/oz (were you even watching?)
Nikkei 225: +0.38% at 35,839.99 (Japan too has its silent dramas)
Hang Seng: +0.16% at 22,008.11 (Hong Kong is still waking up)
FTSE: +0.16% at 8,430.89 (London, still grey)
Euro Stoxx 50: unchanged at 5,168.63 (stasis: the cruellest fate of all)
DJIA: +0.28% at 40,227.59
S&P 500: +0.06% at 5,528.75
Nasdaq: -0.1% at 17,336.13 (even robots tire of repetition)
S&P/TSX Composite: +0.36% at 24,798.59 (Canada: sorry for your loss, both electoral and emotional)
S&P 40 Latin America: +0.74% at 2,549.44
U.S. 10-year Treasury: down 6 bps at 4.21%
E-mini S&P 500 futures: up 0.14%
E-mini Nasdaq-100: up 0.15%
E-mini Dow Jones: up 0.36%

Bitcoin Stats (for those who still believe in numbers):

BTC Dominance: 64.24% (-0.24% — yes, even dominance can diminish)
Ethereum to bitcoin ratio: 0.01928 (1.80%)
Hashrate: 842 EH/s (seven-day moving average, though what is time to a miner?)
Hashprice (spot): $48.7 PH/s
Total Fees: 6.98 BTC / $651,628
CME Futures Open Interest: 132,750 BTC
BTC priced in gold: 28.6 oz (good luck getting it melted down)
BTC vs gold market cap: 8.10% (not quite there, but let us dream)

Technical Analysis (Abandon Hope, or Else Try Fibonacci):

Ether (ETH) attempts resurrection after reclaiming value area, like a Dostoevskian hero crawling out from under a pile of debts and regrets.
Point of Control (PoC) at $2,200, a magnetic field for price and unresolved childhood traumas alike.
ETH nears the 50-day EMA, a threshold promising either wild volatility or tea and quiet sobbing.
Many altcoins have already reclaimed this moving average — perhaps Ether just likes to be fashionably late.
Price now above December 2024’s descending trendline: a rare moment of optimism, so savor it like a free lunch.
Upside targets:
- $2,104 for a ‘higher high’ (a rare event at family dinners)
- $2,200 (PoC of the soul)
- $2,480 (200-day EMA, or “The Promised Land”)
To avoid plunging into an abyss of bearish sentiment, ETH must remain above $1,745. As always, the border between hope and despair is slim.

Crypto Equities (The Real House of the Dead):

Strategy (MSTR): Closed at $369.25 (+0.15%), up 0.30% at $370.34. Celebrate or grieve — the line is thin.
Coinbase Global (COIN): $205.27 (-2.08%), up 0.58% at $206.47. Even the mighty fall out of bed somedays.
Galaxy Digital Holdings (GLXY): $21.21 (2.81%)
MARA Holdings (MARA): $14.01 (-2.03%)
Riot Platforms (RIOT): $7.63 (-1.8%), up 0.39% at $7.66. Could be worse: could be in Siberia.
Core Scientific (CORZ): $8.24 (-0.84%), up 1.21% at $8.34
CleanSpark (CLSK): $8.57 (-4.88%), up 0.12% at $8.58. Like spring in St. Petersburg: brief, tepid.
CoinShares Valkyrie Bitcoin Miners ETF (WGMI): $14.33 (-1.58%)
Semler Scientific (SMLR): $35.37 (-3.99%), up 1.78% at $36.00
Exodus Movement (EXOD): $42.18 (-7.30%), up 1.92% at $42.99. There’s always a return — just not to profitability.

ETF Flows (Because Money Must Flow, Even If You Don’t Know Where):

Spot BTC ETFs:

Daily net flow: $591.2 million (enough to buy a decent samovar or several thousand regrets)
Cumulative net flows: $38.99 billion (!)
Total BTC holdings: ~1.14 million coins (not including those lost wallets …)

Spot ETH ETFs:

Daily net flow: $64.1 million
Cumulative net flows: $2.48 billion
Total ETH holdings: ~3.40 million (now if only your wallet was one of them)

Overnight Flows (Whatever Helps You Sleep, Comrade):

Chart of the Day (To Ponder While Staring at the Ceiling):

Bitcoin dominates derivatives — $32.97B open interest, twice that of ETH. So BTC, like suffering, always gets the last word.
Memecoins, those mad jesters of finance — DOGE, TRUMP, PEPE, FARTCOIN — each show >$480M in OI, defying common sense and parental expectations alike. 🐶💨
ETH + SOL: $16.11B — together, they’re still the bridesmaids at BTC’s relentless wedding.