Why Peter Schiff Wants You to Dump Bitcoin Faster Than a Hot Potato (🤯💰)

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Somewhere in a dim, cluttered study, thick with the aroma of unwashed rubles and nostalgia, sits Peter Schiff—the relentless Cassandra of finance, whom the people, without his asking, have christened “Dr. Doom.” He glares mournfully at the charts and sighs the way only a man with a lifetime supply of tinned sardines (and gold bullion under his mattress) can sigh. Once upon a midnight dreary (or maybe just a Tuesday), Dr. Schiff correctly foresaw the carnage of 2008. Since then, he’s been peering at Bitcoin the same way an irate babushka scrutinizes strange mushrooms.

“Sell all your Bitcoin,” cries Schiff, as if announcing the last borscht at the inn. His new gospel is to pour your hard-earned kopeks into gold mining stocks, declaring this “the best trade you can make right now.” Gold, unlike your cousin’s cryptocurrency portfolio, keeps setting new highs. Just this morning, our beloved yellow metal elbowed its way to a lavish $3,291—a sum so large even Gogol’s Chichikov might faint with envy.

Meanwhile, Bitcoin is being batted around at $83,445 on the Bitstamp exchange, steadfastly ignoring the anxious prayers of bag holders. As if blessed by Saint Panic himself, U.S. stock futures (the quivering E-mini S&P 500) dipped by 1.5% amid more tariff chatter. Somewhere, a glum financier considers switching to mushroom farming.

In the Museum of Poor Decisions…

March 8 will forever be known as the day Schiff assembled his ragtag “strategic reserve,” seeking charity (or perhaps comic relief) from cryptocurrency zealots. To date, this reserve valiantly contains 0.055 BTC—about enough for two fancy coffees in Manhattan, or, as the ancient proverb goes, a single good shoe in St. Petersburg.

Schiff, ever the showman, refuses to sell. “I have not sold any. I’m allowing the reserve to crash as an example of what not to do,” he proclaims—offering himself up as the financial world’s tragic hero, minus the horses and snowdrifts.

Let us recall his prophecy: that Bitcoin might plunge to $10,000. If that’s true, even this tiny reserve will soon be worth less than the paper the wallet seed is scribbled on.

Micro-Agony or Just Saylor Envy?

Of course, Schiff can’t resist poking fun at Michael Saylor’s renowned business, “Strategy.” “They should have changed the name to ‘Micro’ based on where the stock price is going,” Schiff snickers, his sarcasm so thick you could spread it on black bread.

Ironically, and to the mute despair of doomsayers, Bloomberg’s Eric Balchunas politely reminds everyone that “Strategy” just trounced tech stocks in 2025—perhaps the only thing growing faster than disbelief in Schiff’s prophecies.

Ah, finance—where even if you lose, you can always say, “I told you so.” Or at least write a long, moody letter about it and blame the mushrooms.

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2025-04-16 09:36