Why Michael Saylor Just Bought More Bitcoin Than You’ll Ever See in Your Lifetime!

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In a move that can only be described as “slightly less surprising than a Vogon poetry recital,” Michael Saylor’s MicroStrategy—now rebranded as Strategy, because why not?—has decided to add a mere 3,459 Bitcoin to its already ludicrous stash. This brings their total to a staggering 531,644 BTC, which is approximately the number of times you’ve thought about getting out of bed this week. 🛌💤

Michael Saylor’s MicroStrategy Acquires 3,459 Bitcoin

In a press release that probably made the universe pause for a moment, Strategy announced it acquired these shiny digital coins for a cool $285.8 million, which is about the same amount you’d need to buy a small country or a moderately-sized moon. The average price per Bitcoin? A jaw-dropping $82,618. That’s right, folks, it’s cheaper than a trip to the dentist but only slightly more painful. 🦷💸

This announcement came just a day after Saylor hinted at the company’s Bitcoin-buying spree, which is like saying a cat hinted at knocking over your favorite vase. Following this latest acquisition, Strategy now holds a total of 531,644 BTC, which they acquired for a mind-boggling $35.92 billion at an average price of $67,556 per Bitcoin. If you’re feeling dizzy, that’s perfectly normal. 🤯

In the grand cosmic scheme of things, this makes Strategy the public company with the largest Bitcoin holdings, leaving MARA holdings in the dust like a spaceship fleeing a black hole. The recent purchase is a beacon of hope for BTC enthusiasts, especially since Strategy had paused its Bitcoin buying just two weeks ago, causing many to wonder if Saylor was simply waiting for the market to stop doing the cha-cha. 💃📉

But fear not, dear reader! MicroStrategy still has enough capital to acquire more Bitcoin in the foreseeable future, which is about as bullish for Bitcoin prices as a herd of stampeding elephants in a china shop. This year, the company has announced plans to raise nearly $22 billion through stock sales to continue its Bitcoin shopping spree. So, if you thought you’d seen it all, just wait until the next press release! 🐘💰

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2025-04-14 15:24