Wait, Is the US Government About to Join the Bitcoin Bros? Arthur Hayes Weighs In 😏

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Arthur Hayes, the man who once wrangled numbers and algorithms at BitMEX, sat back, squinted into the harsh American sun, and spoke plain: “The United States, she can’t just buy herself a heap of Bitcoin, no matter how many dollar bills she prints. Not now. Not with debt stacking up higher than a Californian dust storm and every pundit thinking ‘Bitcoin bros’ are all bottle service and bad haircuts.”

He wasn’t buying into the notion of a grand “Strategic Reserve.” Hayes grinned — the grin of a man who’s seen too much. “If Washington keeps the Bitcoin they grabbed off scoundrels and slippery-fingered hackers, fine. That’s what? 200,000 coins. But don’t talk to me about Uncle Sam swaggering out to the market like some Vegas high roller.”

He let the silence dance, then smirked, imagining some beleaguered Senator going on TV: “Folks, we’re firing up the printing press to buy a digital currency you saw Chad flexing at the club last weekend.” He snorted, “Is that what you want your legacy to be?”

“Especially when the popular narrative is a bunch of Bitcoin bros going to the club.” 🚀🍾

Earlier this year, March 6 to be exact — while the groundhog was scurrying back into its hole — President Trump scribbled up an executive order: a Bitcoin strategic reserve, a stash of digital gold for the Land of the Free. Right now, the US clutches 198,012 Bitcoin, over $18 billion, mostly pinched from ne’er-do-wells who took the wrong left on the Silk Road or tried their luck hacking Bitfinex.

Crypto swamis mutter that if the US ever starts buying Bitcoin in earnest, it’ll be dominoes from here to Timbuktu. Sergej Kunz, who’s stitched together enough exchanges to make your head spin, figured that if Uncle Sam starts bidding, smaller nations would be lucky to score the change beneath Satoshi’s couch cushions.

With a conspiratorial glint, he mused, “Pretty soon, countries will be fighting over who’s got the fattest Bitcoin wallet. And the US will kick off the brawl.”

When Bitcoin Stands Tall, Altcoins Wait Their Turn (Or Not?)

Hayes, with the patience of a man who’s waited for rain in a California drought, reckoned the old crypto cycle isn’t dead yet. “Bitcoin will swell up strong ahead of all those shiny little altcoins, just like ’21,” he declared. “I see Bitcoin dominance rising to the good old days — close to 70%. The rest are just playing catch-up.”

Skeptics, he knew, were out there — men like Benjamin Cowen from Into The Cryptoverse, shaking their heads. “Ain’t no way Bitcoin gets back to 70%, not even if you squint through beer goggles,” they’d say. Benjamin had his sights set on 60%, maybe because 69% was too poetic.

Meanwhile, Ki Young Ju over at CryptoQuant figured the world had moved on. No more grand handoffs from Bitcoin to altcoins like in the fairy tales of old bull markets. Now? Altcoin season gets triggered by grizzled traders swapping stablecoins and fiat, as if Bitcoin’s the old man at the bar muttering about “how it used to be.”

As for the numbers — by publication time, Bitcoin dominance was pounding its chest at 64.78%. Up nearly twelve points since January. Analysts called a ceiling just below 60%, but the market didn’t much care for ceilings. The numbers change, the faces change, but the grumbling remains the same. There’s always another cycle, another hope, another joke about Bitcoin bros and their bottle service.

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2025-05-03 06:34