US Inflation Dips, Bitcoin Yawns—Did Wall Street Just Fall Asleep?

The U.S. Consumer Price Index for April crept in at 2.3%, which, if you’re the sort of person who gets excited about a 0.1% miss, is basically cause to pop open a room-temperature LaCroix and text your mother, “We did it!” Forget the grand expectations of 2.4%—it wasn’t that kind of party.

This miniscule deviation was enough to send several thousand market “participants” (humans, presumably, but you can never be sure) into wild speculation about whether President Trump would, at long last, get the Fed to cut rates. My guess: somewhere, someone is making a PowerPoint about how 2.3% is “basically zero.” I’m just glad nobody dusted off the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner.

Meanwhile, the Core CPI—the index’s staid, joyless sibling that bravely ignores things like food, gas, and the price of Taylor Swift tickets—landed squarely at 2.8%. Right on target, which is either comforting or slightly dull. You can almost hear the economists clicking their pens in approval or at least mild acknowledgment.

Trump, reliably, reminded us that with these numbers, there is “no inflation,” which is exactly the kind of thing you say right before grocery shopping slaps you in the face. Analysts, not wanting to be upstaged, pointed to the specter of tariffs haunting the collective psyche—a word reportedly uttered more times this month than “oops” at a Botox clinic.

Now, for those believing that gentle economic optimism would wake bitcoin from its nap: bless your heart. Our digital friend sat frozen, like your uncle at a vegan brunch, after drifting up near $104,000 (you probably blinked and missed it). For nearly ten full minutes, BTC’s price did nothing, which in crypto terms is what the rest of us call “a good night’s sleep.” 😴💤

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2025-05-13 16:46