Trump’s Tariff Tango and Wall Street’s Green Glow-Up 💃📈

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So, stocks decided to have a little party on Wednesday, all because President Trump suddenly got mellow on Chinese tariffs and said sweet nothings about Jerome Powell, the Fed’s head honcho. Investors who’d been biting their nails like it was an episode of Game of Thrones finally let out a collective sigh of relief.

The Dow Jones did a respectable little jig, up 419 points (that’s 1.07% if you’re feeling technical), the S&P 500 got a modest 1.6% glow-up, but the Nasdaq practically somersaulted ahead with a cheeky 2.5% leap — talk about a tech swagger moment! 🕺

At one point, Mr. Dow was flirting with a +1,100 point gain, only to decide it was tired and trimmed back late in the day. Classic market drama.

The star of the show? Trump, who casually dropped to reporters that he had “no intention” of booting Powell, sparing the markets another freakout. Then he hinted that those gnarly 145% tariffs on Chinese goodies might shrink “substantially” — but don’t get too excited, they’re not going anywhere permanent, darling.

China’s Not Getting a One-Way Love Letter Yet

Meanwhile, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent stepped in to rain on any “trade peace” parade, reminding everyone there’s no unilateral offers happening just yet. But he did do his best sales pitch, teasing a “big deal” if both sides decide to play nice and rebalance.

This napkin-level optimism sent shares of China-linked tech companies skyward: Apple and Nvidia polished off gains of 3% and 4%, respectively. Tesla got a 5% boost after Elon Musk declared he’d spend less time playing government efficiency guru. The man’s got priorities. 🚀

However, don’t break out the champagne just yet—those recession clouds are still lurking. BCA Research gave a subtle side-eye to markets, warning they’ve underpriced recession risks, courtesy of sluggish labor markets and a business investment slowdown. Oof.

Piper Sandler chimed in, predicting a brief ceasefire in tariff battles but no dramatic peace treaty. Investors, naturally, remain on high alert, advised to keep their poker faces and not go wild on the green.

And for the crypto curious, Bitcoin did a little moonwalk too, gaining around 2.5% to hover near $93,700. Because, why not? 💸

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2025-04-23 23:20