At approximately teatime on a Tuesday that had so far failed to end all Tuesdays, President Donald J. Trump-who has the echo of a brass band permanently trapped in his hair-dipped the Presidential Sharpie® into what physicists now suspect may have been a small wormhole, thereby signing an Executive Order that would let 401(k) savers sprinkle some vaguely defined “digital whatsits” onto their retirement nachos. 🧀↗️
Tucked between paragraphs offering best wishes to the White House flagpole and stern advice to the squirrels on the South Lawn, the order instructs the Secretary of Labor (who had been day-dreaming about actual labor-saving devices) to reexamine earlier guidance that, until this afternoon, had banned every fiduciary from sneaking Pokémon cards-let alone blockchain-backed tokens-into your nest egg. 📑🔍
Bitcoin soared past $117,000, a price that even a Galactic Vogon accountant would call “optimistically round,” while Ethereum sashayed 5% higher, proving yet again that second coins also have feelings. 💃💰
In related news the total market cap waddled to $3.93 trillion-roughly equal to the combined annual budget of every intergalactic towel manufacturer-and Bitcoin dominance swaggered toward the 60% threshold, hoping to brag about it at the next planetary mixer. 🌍📈
Financial planners everywhere are now frantically updating their LinkedIn profiles to include the word “crypto-literate” while quietly wondering whether their calculators have the necessary emoji keyboard. 🖩😬
