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Trump Allegedly Backs Plan to Stockpile 1,000,000 Bitcoins (Bargain Basement Not Included)

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Senator Lummis, never one to stray from the dazzling lights of financial theatre, confidently announced that Donald Trump has thrown his gold-plated hat in the ring for her BITCOIN Act. The proposal? To instruct the American government to quietly amass one million Bitcoins. (At last, a solution for the nation’s $36 trillion debt—if you squint hard enough! 🕶️)

Bitcoin as strategic reserve is inching from the fevered dreams of crypto bros into the rather less glamorous halls of Congress. On a fair and unremarkable Friday, May 2, Senator Cynthia Lummis delivered a speech to the U.S. Senate, which by all accounts is still reeling from the shock of cryptocurrency terminology, making it the most excitement they’ve had since the invention of the filibuster.

The BITCOIN Act is the only solution to our nation’s $36T debt. I’m grateful for a forward-thinking president who not only recognizes this, but acts on it.

— Senator Cynthia Lummis (@SenLummis) May 2, 2025

I’m particularly pleased with President Trump’s support for my strategic Bitcoin reserve initiative, which will address our national debt, while securing America’s position as the global leader in financial innovation,” Senator Cynthia Lummis declared, presumably while someone in the back tried to Google “cold storage wallet”.

Bitcoin: The Working Man’s Crypto (Apparently)

In her speech, Lummis leapt to Bitcoin’s defence, touting its security and bold promise to open the coffers for the “everyday American,” as though every diner waitress secretly dreams of paying her rent in Satoshis. Bitcoin, she insisted, “puts the everyday American and the everyday worker all over the world in control over their own money”—a sort of populist rallying cry, albeit one with terrible Wi-Fi.

As Bitcoin comes into more usage, its use makes the whole system more secure, more robust, and more capable of serving our needs all over the world. We should be the global leader,” Lummis announced, to the sound of a thousand IT support lines ringing in the distance.

The act itself, bold in the extreme, imagines the U.S. government scraping together 1 million BTC within five years—like a schoolboy collecting bottle caps, only with a greater risk for international incident. This would instantly make Uncle Sam the world’s largest Bitcoin whale, outclassing even the most devoted meme lords, in a digital pond with a hard cap of 21 million coins.

Presently, the U.S. government hoards a modest 198,000 BTC, largely confiscated from enterprising souls who presumably thought tax evasion was a victimless crime. That stash amounts to $19 billion—a figure that makes one wonder if the IRS has considered branching into day trading. To reach the grand target, Treasury must cough up another $76 billion, assuming the price of Bitcoin doesn’t vault skyward the moment Congress starts shopping. Spoiler: it will. 📈

Bear in mind, Bitcoin’s market is more shallow than a country club cocktail party. As soon as the buying spree commences, prices will soar, headlines will multiply, and Thanksgiving dinners everywhere will devolve into heated lectures from that one cousin who never recovered from losing his crypto wallet. Meanwhile, the U.S. will be jostling with companies like Strategy, whose recent plans to drop $84 million into BTC look, rather suddenly, like a tip left by a particularly generous diner.

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2025-05-02 21:47

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