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Stocks stay snoozy as Moody’s drops U.S. credit—guess we’re all just waiting for the crash

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On what could only be described as a Monday so dull it might make watching paint dry seem exciting, U.S. stocks barely even shrugged. Moody’s, that charming rating agency we love to hate, decided the U.S. is no longer worthy of a triple-A badge. Instead, they handed us an AA1, like a participation trophy but make it finance. Investors reacted by doing their best impression of a pond—flat, still, and exactly as interesting.

The S&P 500, fresh off a five-day winning streak that was probably a fluke, edged upward—just enough to remind us that hope sometimes makes as much sense as believing in psychic cats. Meanwhile, the Nasdaq was so unimpressed it practically yawned, rising a tiny 0.01%. The Dow Jones, ever the overachiever, climbed 0.3%, buoyed by UnitedHealth Group shares showing signs of life, probably wondering if everyone else had lost their minds.

Moody’s late Friday downgraded our beloved U.S. debt—because what’s more fun than fiscal responsibility?—citing our “persistent, large fiscal deficits,” as if we didn’t know. Their slide into AA1 came right after the House Budget Committee approved Trump’s wild plan to extend tax cuts and spend like a college student on spring break, all while raising our future debt ceiling to the stars—or at least to a level where no one wants to talk about it.

Meanwhile, the 10-year Treasury yield briefly flirted with 4.56%, because apparently, investors are really nostalgic for higher interest rates that make borrowing feel like a trip to the dentist. It later calmed down to 4.46%, probably realizing that worrying about debt levels is just too much work. The 30-year Treasurys flirted with 5%, settling comfortably near 4.95%. The dollar dived 0.7%, probably tired of all the drama, while gold decided, “Hey, I’m still shiny,” jumping 1.5% to a cool $3,235 an ounce—because nothing says financial stability like a piece of metal that doesn’t do anything.

Tech stocks, which have been the star of the show, traded as if they had a splitting headache. Tesla took a 2% hit after a glorious 17% rally last week, kind of like overeating at a buffet then feeling guilty. Apple slipped 1.5%, while Nvidia, Alphabet, and Meta took a little breather, wondering if they should start looking for new careers. Microsoft and Amazon, ever the survivors, edged higher—probably because they’re too big to fail, or maybe just because they’re too stubborn.

Bitcoin is surging—because why not? 🚀

Bitcoin (BTC) skyrocketed to $105,400, making the nerds at Strategy 3 do a little happy dance. Meanwhile, shares of Palantir, AMD, and Super Micro Computer each fell over 2%, reminding us that in markets, everyone can’t be a winner—except for Bitcoin, apparently.

JPMorgan’s Jamie Dimon popped by to remind us that tariffs are like that one relative who shows up at family gatherings unannounced—things are worse than they seem, but nobody’s doing anything about it yet. The Fed’s signals? Same old, same old—no rate hikes just yet, because everyone’s still trying to figure out what this all means.

Global markets took a mixed approach. European stocks tiptoed upward, probably gossiping about us behind their backs, while Asia faced losses—possibly due to the same boredom we’re experiencing. The EU cut its growth outlook, and Diageo—yes, the alcohol people—forecasted a $150 million hit from tariffs, because nothing says “cheers” like economic doom.

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2025-05-19 23:30

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