Senator Lummis’ Wild Bitcoin Plan Would Fix America’s Debt & Make Everyone Rich—Maybe

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Once more, beneath the sallow glow of unblinking Capitol lights, Senator Lummis climbed the pulpit, brandishing the BITCOIN Act like Arktika’s last flare in a Siberian blackout. Her voice sliced the stale air: “The only path out of our $36 trillion gulag of debt? Bitcoin!” Washington rattled with suppressed snickers and anxious shuffling—neither terribly unfamiliar to those who spent six hours lining up for rationed bread.

The President himself, once again resurrected like a stubborn recurring character in a bad novel, flashed a thumbs-up as Lummis prattled on about her master plan. “Now, with Trump’s blessing, my ‘strategic reserve’ will outshine even the shiniest comb-over,” she seemed to say, her eyes aflame with Messianic certainty.

March 2025. Lummis, stoic as any zek trading cabbage soup for hope, re-unfurled her Bitcoin plan. One million BTC for the nation—roughly five percent of the whole supply. (Because modesty never earned anyone a dacha, comrades! 🏚️) To fund this digital dream, Uncle Sam will pawn some gold—because, why not swap yellow metal for random strings of cryptographic gibberish, right?

This wasn’t her first rodeo; the Act flopped spectacularly in 2024. But now, with every American clutching their wallets like political prisoners cradle scraps of bread, and the almighty dollar flimsier than Soviet-era toilet paper, destiny had arrived. Bitcoin, Lummis declared, would be the hedgehog against the wolves of inflation, war, and global pestilence. A magic ledger would save us all—transparent, secure, and, above all, global.🌎

Who needs the gold standard when you can have the Bitcoin Blitzkrieg? Critics moan and whine, calling it riskier than winter in the Archipelago. Yet, for Lummis and her gilded orange alliance, doubt is just another bump on the blockchain: America, they insist, will lead the world—this time one meme coin at a time. 🧊💰

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2025-05-02 21:45