SEC in Shambles, Circle in Panic, and Trump’s Tariffs Strike Again – What a Week! 😱

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Ah, another week in the circus of finance, where the SEC flails about like a headless chicken, Circle sweats over its IPO, and President Trump’s tariffs continue to wreak havoc like an overzealous toddler with a sledgehammer. Let’s dive in, shall we? 🎪

Table of Contents (Because Apparently, We Must Be Organized)

SEC Rediscovers the Wheel (Again)

  • Acting SEC Chair Mark T. Uyeda, in a stunning display of bureaucratic efficiency, has ordered his staff to re-review past statements on crypto. Because, clearly, the first dozen attempts didn’t quite stick. 🧐
  • Among the thrilling documents under reconsideration: the infamous Howey test (because who doesn’t love a good legal Rorschach test?), a 2021 warning about Bitcoin futures (spoiler: they’re still volatile), and some risk alerts from the dark ages of 2020. Riveting stuff.

Statement from Acting Chairman Mark Uyeda: “Pursuant to Executive Order 14192, Unleashing Prosperity Through Deregulation, together with recommendations from DOGE, I have requested Securities and Exchange Commission staff promptly to review the following staff statements.” — U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (@SECGov) April 5, 2025

Ah yes, nothing says “serious financial regulation” like taking advice from a meme coin. 🐕

Stablecoins: Not Our Problem, Says SEC (Unless They Are)

The SEC, in a rare moment of clarity (or perhaps exhaustion), has declared that “Covered Stablecoins” are not its problem. These magical tokens—pegged to the USD, redeemable 1:1, and backed by “low-risk” assets (because nothing says “low-risk” like Tether’s opaque reserves)—are now officially someone else’s headache. 🎉

Algorithmic stablecoins, yield-bearing tokens, and anything remotely interesting? Still fair game. The SEC giveth, and the SEC taketh away.

Crypto Traders: Hiding Under Their Desks

  • Thanks to Trump’s tariffs, crypto traders have collectively decided that the safest place to be is anywhere but the market. Funding rates have plummeted below 0.005%, which, in trader-speak, translates to: “We’d rather sit on our hands than lose our shirts.”
  • Liquidation rates are down 42%, trading volumes have nosedived, and the overall mood is somewhere between “mild panic” and “existential dread.” But hey, at least no one’s getting liquidated—small mercies. 🙏

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2025-04-06 17:41