SBF’s Jailhouse Tech: No Ass Phone, Just a BFF?

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At least one former officer once employed at the same low-security facility Sam Bankman-Fried is currently imprisoned in was found guilty of smuggling a cellphone on behalf of an inmate in 2014.

Exactly How Is SBF Tweeting From Behind Bars?

Sam “SBF” Bankman-Fried is back to his old game-tweeting like it’s 2021. The crypto king who turned FTX into a cautionary tale of hubris is now serving a 25-year sentence for defrauding billions, yet he’s still trying to spin this as a “Biden witch hunt.” Classic. But how is he tweeting from a cellblock? He claims no “a*s phone,” but let’s be real-this is the man who once had a net worth that could buy a small island. 🏝️💰

An “a*s phone” is a smuggled smartphone tucked into a body cavity, usually between the cheeks (aka the “peach emoji zone”) or, for the truly committed, up the other end. It’s the ultimate prison flex, but also a logistical nightmare. Unless you’re SBF, who now claims he’s just using a “friend” to post for him. Coincidence? I think not. 🤭

“Obligatory disclaimer: No, I do not have a 🍑 📱,” Bankman-Fried wrote last Tuesday, as if we’d believe him. “I have a friend who has my log-in details.” Ah yes, that old “let’s outsource my guilt to a BFF” trick. Because nothing says “trust me” like hiring someone to tweet your excuses. 🚨

The 33-year-old MIT prodigy is currently chilling at Terminal Island, a low-security federal prison in LA where the guards apparently have a soft spot for bribes. In 2014, a former officer there took a $1,000 bribe (just a weekend’s rent in Manhattan!) to help an inmate smuggle in a phone. Details here, but let’s just say it’s not exactly Fort Knox.

(Sam Bankman-Fried is currently housed at a low-security federal prison in Los Angeles, California, called Terminal Island / Federal Bureau of Prisons)

Bankman-Fried, who once had a net worth of $26.5 billion (enough to fund a lifetime of avocado toast), now claims he’s dictating messages via “approved BOP phone/email.” His BFF then posts them on X and Gettr, because why not double down on right-wing platforms while you’re at it? But let’s cut through the noise: this is the same guy who lied about his financials. “Sounds like something someone with a peach-powered device would say,” one X user quipped. Spot on.

Now, SBF’s main gig is trying to rebrand as a crypto martyr. He blames Biden’s “Operation Choke Point 2.0” for targeting him because he donated to pro-crypto Republicans. “In 2020, I was center-left. By 2022, I was a centrist, and (privately) donated tens of millions to Republicans,” he wrote. “Weeks later, they arrested me.” Spoiler: It’s called fraud. 🚩

But who’s listening to his sob story? We’re all just wondering: did he really stuff a phone in his pants, or did he pay someone to sneak it in? Either way, it’s a plot thicker than a crypto whitepaper.

FAQ ⚡

  • How is SBF posting from prison in Los Angeles?
    He says he dictates messages via approved BOP phone/email and a friend with his login posts them. Sure, that’s the story we’re sticking with. 🙃
  • Is an inmate allowed to have a phone at Terminal Island?
    No. Contraband cellphones are prohibited, but BOP channels are the “lawful route.” Unless you’re a bribed guard. 🤑
  • Has Terminal Island seen phone smuggling before?
    Yes. A former officer got caught in 2014 for taking a $1,000 bribe to help an inmate. That’s less than a luxury latte these days. ☕
  • Could SBF actually have an “ass phone”?
    Smuggling by bribery or concealment is a “plausible possibility” until proven otherwise. Or maybe he’s just really good at yoga. 🧘♂️

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2025-10-16 02:14