Saylor’s Bitcoin Sermon: Cashing Out OG Sins for Institutional Bliss 🤑

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Markets

What to know:

  • Michael Saylor, the high priest of Bitcoin, declares its sideways shuffle a divine rite of passage as “OG” holders trade their digital relics for mortal comforts. 🏠📚
  • He proclaims Bitcoin’s lack of cash flows a virtue, comparing it to gold-a shiny rock that does nothing but sit there, looking important. 🪨✨
  • Strategy (formerly MicroStrategy, now a name as awkward as a penguin in a ballroom) unveils bitcoin-backed credit products, because why earn interest when you can gamble on volatility? 🎲💸

In a world where financial wisdom is as rare as a polite internet comment, Michael Saylor, the Executive Chairman of Strategy (MSTR), has declared Bitcoin’s recent price stagnation a triumph of divine order. Speaking on Natalie Brunell’s “Coin Stories” podcast-a program as earnest as a Victorian sermon-Saylor assured the faithful that the market is merely pausing to let the old guard sell their digital trinkets while institutions prepare to swoop in like vultures to a feast. 🦅🍖

“If you squint and tilt your head just so, Bitcoin is up 99% in a year,” he intoned, as if reading from a financial Book of Revelations. “Volatility is leaving the asset-a sign that the apocalypse of stability is nigh.” 🌪️→🌤️

Saylor likened the current exodus of early adopters to the liquidation of stock options by startup employees, a process as natural as a fox in a henhouse. “They’re not losing faith,” he explained, “they’re simply trading their digital dreams for a down payment on a McMansion. It’s the circle of life, but with more spreadsheets.” 🦊🏠

He dismissed concerns about Bitcoin’s lack of cash flows with the air of a man who has never met a problem he couldn’t philosophize into submission. “The perfect money,” he declared, “is as silent as a sphinx and as useless as a screen door on a submarine.” 🤑🚪

Beyond the Store of Value: Bitcoin as Financial Swiss Army Knife

Saylor’s grand vision for Bitcoin extends beyond its role as a digital gold. Strategy, he proclaimed, is reengineering credit markets by using Bitcoin as collateral-a financial innovation as bold as it is bewildering. “Conventional bonds are as exciting as a damp sock,” he quipped, “while Bitcoin-backed instruments are the financial equivalent of a fireworks display.” 🎆💥

He introduced the firm’s suite of preferred-stock products-Strike, Strife, Stride, and Stretch-names that sound like a fitness class for the financially masochistic. These products, he claimed, offer yields of up to 12%, backed by enough Bitcoin to make Fort Knox blush. “We’re giving Bitcoin cash flow,” he said, “because nothing says ‘maturity’ like turning a digital asset into a financial Swiss Army knife.” 🛠️💰

The S&P 500: A Club Too Exclusive for Its Own Good

Addressing Strategy’s absence from the S&P 500, Saylor adopted the tone of a man patiently explaining the obvious to a particularly dense child. “We only became eligible this year,” he noted, “and even Tesla had to wait. It’s like being invited to a party where the host keeps forgetting your name.” 🎟️🤦‍♂️

He predicted eventual inclusion as the market grows more comfortable with the Bitcoin treasury model, a process he dates to late 2024. “By then,” he said, “even the most skeptical investors will realize that Bitcoin is here to stay, like a houseguest who never leaves but always pays the rent.” 🏡💼

Transformative Years: Bitcoin as the New Black Gold

Looking ahead, Saylor painted a future as rosy as a sunset over a Bitcoin mine. He compared the rise of Bitcoin treasury companies to the early days of the petrochemical industry, a period of chaos and innovation that somehow didn’t end in environmental disaster. “Bitcoin will appreciate at 29% annually for the next two decades,” he predicted, “fueling new forms of credit and equity instruments, and probably a few more McMansions.” 🛢️📈

In closing, he struck an optimistic tone about both Bitcoin and society, dismissing online toxicity as the work of bots and paid campaigns. “Bitcoin is a peaceful, fair, and equitable way to settle our differences,” he said, “and as everyone embraces it, peace will spread, equity will spread, and fairness will spread-or at least, that’s what my marketing team tells me.” 🕊️🤖

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2025-09-20 18:15