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Quantum Computers Are Coming For Bitcoin — And They’re Not Bringing Bagels!

BBG News

So Galaxy Digital’s Alex Thorn is out here yelling, “The quantum threat cometh!” like Paul Revere riding through Crypto Town, except instead of horses, he’s got anxiety and hot takes. Spoiler alert: He claims we’re all wildly underestimating it. Quantum computing is the soup Nazi of digital money — no coins for you!

Thorn’s point? If quantum computers get a taste for Bitcoin cryptography, it won’t just be a bad day for a few folks — the whole blockchain buffet gets shut down. And the solutions we’ve got? Right now, they’re about as comforting as a screen door on a submarine. 🚢

Quantum Computing: Coming Soon to Ruin Your Day?

Let’s break this down before anyone’s grandma starts panic-selling her digital piggy bank. Quantum computers, in theory, can break Bitcoin’s cryptographic backbone — we’re talking elliptic curve cryptography, SHA-256, the works. Get enough Q-bits humming, and you might as well hand out everyone’s private keys like Halloween candy. 👻

Sure, there’s quantum-resistant crypto in the oven. When will it be ready? No one knows — it’s like waiting for a watched pot to boil, but your house might explode if it does.

“Quantum is a bigger threat than people realize, and the options to fix it for Bitcoin specifically are worse than people realize,” Thorn tweeted, probably while stress-eating pretzels.

Timeline? Thorn shrugs. Predict quantum readiness? That’s like predicting which Hollywood reboot will destroy your childhood memories next. 🎬

“This is a ‘national security’ level question,” he added, which is code for “nobody has a real clue but let’s make it sound dramatic.”

Wait too long and we’ll all be standing around holding useless NFTs of apes in hats, reminiscing about “simpler times.”

Nate Geraci, ETF Store chief, chimed in: Technology gets old, security gets cranky, and eventually everything gets hacked. Everything.

“There’s a non-zero chance Bitcoin could be hacked. If it can be created, it can be destroyed,” Geraci declared, then probably cackled ominously.

Analyst Nishant Bhardwaj goes full Nostradamus — “Should have bought in before 2020. Now I’m off to hunt the next magic money rock.”

“The right time to invest in Bitcoin was before 2020. I am heavily researching the next Bitcoin-like asset,” Bhardwaj quipped, sharpening his digital pickaxe.

Quantum tech makes the plot twist spicier. Chirag Jetani reminds us that Google’s quantum computers are now 241 million times faster than what we all use, which is about as terrifying as it sounds.

“A quantum computer with just 4,000 qubits could crack Bitcoin’s encryption in 10 minutes. By 2030, they’ll crack Bitcoin’s encryption in seconds,” Jetani warns. Translation: The clock’s ticking, and it’s not just your microwave.

But wait, there’s more! Jetani thinks quantum gives us some cool new gadgets, not just digital doomsday:

  • Quantum-Resistant Cryptography: The US NIST cooks up encryption recipes bitter enough to put off even the best quantum chef. 🍳
  • Quantum-Enhanced Smart Contracts: The dream — autopilot for lawyers, just add quantum! 🤖
  • Quantum Random Number Generation: Gambling, voting, lotteries — now with more unpredictability! Your odds still stink, but at least it’s science.
  • Quantum-Secure Identity Systems: Finally, a world where even your pet’s Instagram has unbreakable security.
  • Quantum-Powered DeFi: Lightning-fast DeFi trades. Blink and your portfolio goes from hero to zero (or vice versa).

“Move your assets now if you don’t want to be Quantum-flambéed in 2030,” finishes Jetani, possibly while hiding under his desk.

Will Bitcoin Go the Way of the Dodo?

Tether’s CEO, Paolo Ardoino, sounds a little more optimistic. No need for panic! By the time quantum computers threaten Bitcoin’s cryptography, he figures we’ll have the digital Band-Aids ready.

Project 11, a quantum shop, says not to worry for the next ten years. In crypto years, that’s like a thousand years — time enough for three more market crashes and a dozen memecoins. But, hey, they assure us, upgrades are possible. Remember Taproot? Whatever comes next will have an equally botanically mysterious name.

“BTC can absolutely survive quantum computing. It’ll be painful, opinions will clash, nerds will rage, but Bitcoin will get its quantum vaccine in time,” Project 11 says, probably while cosplaying Gandalf at DEFCON.

They even point to algorithms so new, you need to sign a waiver just to say their names. Lattice this, hash that — the future’s alphabet soup, folks.

But the warning: a quantum computer doesn’t have to break everything overnight. Just enough to start a panic and make the world’s most dramatic digital stampede.

“Bitcoin hangs by the thread of cryptography, which Shor’s algorithm can slice up like deli meat. Even a slow quantum computer can hoard secrets and trigger chaos just by existing!”

So where does that leave us? If Bitcoin wants to dodge its digital extinction event, it’s got to evolve while pretending not to notice the quantum wolf at the door. Innovation or extinction — as Mel Brooks would put it: “Hope for the best. Prepare for the schlemiel.” 🚀🎩🕶️

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2025-04-30 12:56

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