Missouri’s Tax Bombshell: Lawmakers Plot 0% Capital Gains—Crypto Bros and Stock Sharks Rejoice!

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In the shadowy corridors of Missouri’s legislature, a spectacle unfolds — not unlike a Dostoevskian drama, only with less vodka and far more spreadsheets. There stands House Bill 594, a bill as audacious as Raskolnikov’s midnight escapades, poised to render capital gains taxes extinct. Picture bankers, crypto enthusiasts, and avocado-toast-consuming property flippers raising their glasses, toasting to the sudden vanishing act of their tax liabilities. 🍾

Soon, perhaps, mere mortals who dabble in Bitcoin, XRP, stocks, or even Missouri’s famously dull suburban real estate, could cheat the taxman with legal blamelessness. The bill, now lounging on Governor Mike Kehoe’s desk — perhaps gazing mournfully out the window, contemplating destiny — would allow a full deduction of profits from asset sales. Dostoevsky might say: “Man is a mystery.” Well, so, apparently, is Missouri tax code.

The timing is impeccable, or suspicious, you decide. Bitcoin crosses $104,000, XRP dreams of grandeur, and Missouri prepares to offer refuge to digital gold prospectors. With crypto volatility rivaling the fevered moods of an existentialist anti-hero, investors find themselves eyeing Missouri, muttering, “If not now, when?”

Meanwhile, on the national stage, the conversation is every bit as unpredictable. Ex-President Donald Trump waves his tariff wand, threatening to turn income taxes into “poof, now it’s tariffs!” It’s almost as if the entire country is stuck in a drunken tavern debate, haggling over Dostoevsky’s eternal question: “What is to be done?”️

For years, Missouri’s approach to capital gains was as cheerful and empathetic as a Russian winter: up to 4.7% snatched from your hard-earned, or at least hard-gambled, winnings. A six-figure profit was the financial equivalent of inviting the taxman in for tea, never to see your money again. But if this bill gets the final flourish of the Governor’s pen, that taxman might just be shown the door — with a knowing wink and a snarky, “Niet!”

Governor Kehoe maintains a poker face worthy of a Dostoevsky protagonist. Will he succumb to market optimism, or will he brood indecisively, cursing the weighty burden of free will? Missouri may soon lead other states down this rabbit hole, trailing behind with dreams of a tax-free utopia. Or, perhaps, just regrets and a stronger urge to drink.

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2025-05-12 04:31