MicroStrategy’s Wild Bitcoin Ride: From Doom to Boom to…Debt? đŸȘ™đŸš€

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If you thought stocks only went up in fairy tales, you clearly haven’t met MicroStrategy—or, as it’s known to its therapist, “MSTR.” Up 7% today! Up 75% this month! Down massively in March, but clearly, gravity is only a suggestion—and not one MSTR listens to.

Meanwhile, critics (who are quite good at parties) are biting their nails and muttering darkly about debt, suggesting that MicroStrategy’s accounts look increasingly like a game of Jenga played at 3am after too much coffee. Yet, in an act of either market genius or existential denial, the stock keeps rising like an overcaffeinated soufflĂ©. 🌋

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Betting the Company 🛾

Bitcoin hit $100,000 today, a number so round and shiny you could host a dance party on it. MicroStrategy – the spaceship holding more Bitcoin than anyone not named Satoshi – appears to be breathing easy, or at least pretending to. Skeptics still wave rumors of doom at the company, but Michael Saylor and friends seem to have installed blackout curtains, possibly made of $100 bills.

The company just reported gigantic Q1 losses, presumably to show solidarity with everyone who’s ever lost a wallet with crypto on it. Did this stop the stock? Of course not. Behold:

At first glance, this all makes as much sense as a Vogon poetry slam. Critics have prophesied forced liquidation (which sounds dramatic, unless you know accounting, in which case it’s just dramatic and inconvenient).

However, Bitcoin’s rise has been more relentless than a telemarketer on commission, and MicroStrategy is clinging to it like Arthur Dent to his towel. MSTR stock has soared nearly 50% since March’s lows, currently making Bitcoin and famous tech stocks look positively sluggish, if not outright slothful.

So, what gives? What’s up is down, down is up, and apparently, tariffs are a thing still—a brief dip followed by a market that more or less went, “Eh, why not?” MicroStrategy, ever the eternal optimist (see: goldfish, memory of), kept buying Bitcoin at a pace previously reserved for panicked Black Friday shoppers.

This unflinching commitment has somehow turned the company into a sort of cult hero among Bitcoin maximalists—and even netted errant praise from Eric Trump, which probably means the simulation is glitching again.

But don’t get too cozy. The market remains as stable as a chair made of cooked spaghetti. False rumors have whipped investors into frenzies rivaling intergalactic soap operas. Bitcoin cruised to $100,000, supposedly thanks to a UK-US trade deal, but the universe is fickle, and so are markets.

As for MicroStrategy, the firm has tied its existential fate to Bitcoin, like a small child tying itself to a passing dog and hoping for the best. Debt is now less of a storm cloud and more of a permanent weather system overhead. Even though their stock makes Bitcoin itself look slow on most days, calling it “stable” stretches the English language further than usual.

And yet, through it all, MSTR’s been utterly, relentlessly, perplexingly bullish all month. No amount of doomscrolling seems to slow its gallop. Forced liquidation? Old news. The momentum? Anything but blunted.

As of this exceedingly odd moment, all signs (well, most signs, and those ones are blinking rapidly) suggest that both Bitcoin and its biggest corporate fan are going to keep hurtling through the market with the same regard for logic as a Vogon civil servant writing policy by dice roll. Strap in. đŸ€ž

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2025-05-09 02:05