Kraken’s License Score! How an Octopus Conquered Ireland (and Europe)

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In the commotion-filled corridors of the financial theatre, as thunder rolled from old clouds named Crypto, and fresh ones shaped suspiciously like bureaucrats crept over Europe, behold! Kraken, that mythic eight-armed moneychanger, shimmied forth. The mighty exchange declared with the flair of a stage magician, “Eureka!”—it had snatched the elusive MiCA license from the clutches of the Central Bank of Ireland. One could almost hear the collective sigh from electronic wallets stretching from Lisbon to Tallinn. Now, with a stamp smelling faintly of Guinness, Kraken might extend its web across all member states of the European Union, except perhaps Holy See, whose interest in crypto is limited to investments in heavenly rewards.

Like a diligent student desperate for the headmaster’s pat on the head, Kraken reminded the world—on a Wednesday, because of course bureaucracy moves at the speed of molasses—that it landed the MiCA thanks to a string of previous parchment victories: a MiFID scroll in February, and the prodigious EMI certificate in 2023, which reads particularly well when framed over the espresso machine.

“We believe trust is the most valuable currency in crypto, and it’s something you earn,” boomed Kraken’s co-CEO, Arjun Sethi, before dramatically lowering his monocle and reportedly wrestling a bear for good measure. “Our team labored night and day to satisfy the Central Bank’s notoriously gold-plated, diamond-encrusted, unicorn-powered regulatory expectations.”

News of Kraken’s conquests sent the other exchanges in the EU into an optimistic scramble. Coinbase, OKX, Crypto.com and Bybit all claimed their own MiCA scrolls in 2025, each dreaming of castles in Luxembourg. Meanwhile, Gemini, always fashionably late, is said to be courting approval in Malta—where the pastizzi come hotter and the licenses slower.

MiCA, after endless debates that nearly drove MEPs to drink (Irish whiskey, presumably), now promises to enforce regulatory consistency throughout the region. This, in the language of lawgivers, means that every crypto enthusiast may sleep soundly—unless, of course, they invested in a meme coin named after a rodent.

But not every swashbuckler is steering their ship into MiCA’s fog. The famed Tether (aha!), upon hearing whispers of regulation, declared it would not chase this golden fleece for USDt, its prideful stablecoin—prompting exchanges to oust the coin like a juggler at an opera.

US playing catch-up to MiCA crypto regulations

The symphony crescendoed one week after Kraken packed its tentacles, relocated headquarters to Wyoming—a place whose population rivals the average Discord server—but whose lawmakers worship crypto with something approaching religious zeal.

Despite its Irish passport, Kraken’s fortunes are still knotted with the US—a land where Congress debates digital assets as if they were debating the discovery of fire, and the SEC alternates between dancing and suing. In March, the SEC, having grown weary of its own litigation, dropped a lawsuit accusing Kraken of impersonating a small nation-state, a broker, a dealer and maybe even a blackjack dealer. The case was dismissed, and Kraken promptly raised a glass—cheers, or sláinte, as they say in Dublin. 🥃🐙💸

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2025-06-26 00:57