Kraken Devours Tiny Exchange in $100M Crypto Buffet 🐙💸

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In a move that has left both Wall Street and the abyss scratching their heads, the tentacled leviathan known as Kraken has swallowed whole the Small Exchange-a company so modest it could fit inside a single filing cabinet. IG Group, its former owner, reportedly received $100 million in exchange for what they described as “a decade of bureaucratic headaches and one haunted server farm.” 🏁

With this acquisition, Kraken now boasts derivatives licenses in the U.S., U.K., and E.U.-a trifecta of regulatory blessings that would make even the most jaded compliance officer weep with joy. Critics ask: Why spend $100 million on a “small exchange” when you could just, say, *not*? But Kraken’s CEO, ever the visionary, declared this a “monumental leap toward democratizing crypto derivatives for the common man.” 🎪

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Small Exchange muttered something about “selling their soul to a squid” before vanishing into a cloud of ink. 🐙 Meanwhile, the crypto market reacted with its usual sobriety, immediately speculating on whether Kraken will next acquire a lemonade stand to bolster its “real-world asset” portfolio. 💸

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2025-10-16 11:37