Jack Dorsey’s ‘Bad News’ Could Make You Filthy Rich: Bitcoin to $1M?!

So, Silicon Valley’s been whispering for years that Jack Dorsey is basically Steve Jobs in the body of a Williamsburg barista. Why? Well, he waved his cryptic finger over Twitter (say what you want) and then magicked up Cash App while probably drinking espresso in three dimensions at once.

Picture this: Back in 2019, before TikTok made everyone believe they could dance, Cash App gave us all tiny slices of Bitcoin to play with using nothing but a credit card and a questionable sense of financial literacy. One minute you’re buying your usual oat milk flat white—bam—you own Bitcoin. Who knew FOMO was actually a business model?

Fast forward, and Cash App becomes part of ‘Block’—look, they rebranded, probably in a room filled with exposed brick and vegan pastries. Shares have now nosedived by 20%. Jack Dorsey—beanie on or off, who knows—tells investors, “Brace yourselves,” because apparently, U.S. consumers are suddenly tightening their wallets (maybe they spent too much on matcha lattes and NFTs).

Irony alert: Bad vibes for Block’s business might be the exact plot twist that catapults Bitcoin to $1 million (Grab your monocles, skeptics).

So… Are We All Doomed or Just Shopping Less?

After another quarter where Block’s numbers did their best imitation of a limbo dancer, Dorsey delivered the kicker: Americans are now spending only on essentials—like groceries and gas—because, heaven forbid, someone give up their almond butter. But for extras—travel, media, impulse buys to fill the existential void—no one’s swiping anymore. Dorsey: “Thanks, that’s why we missed our forecast.”
I mean, you know the drill—stop buying gadgets, start the recession countdown. If this happens again, economists everywhere will shrug and say, “Yeah, it’s a recession now,” between sips of tepid coffee.

The Fed to the rescue: If the economy looks any wobblier, cue the inevitable rate cute. Turns out, every CNBC talking head agrees. No pressure, Jerome.

And wouldn’t you know it, that very ‘bad news’ is the magic bean Dorsey thinks could shoot Bitcoin straight up to a million bucks. Because, why not?

Jack’s Crystal Ball: Bitcoin at $1 Million and Probably Vegan

Flashback to 2007: The Fed starts slashing rates, and—poof—Bitcoin appears on the dark web, looking for friends. By 2017, Bitcoin’s gone from ‘literal fractions of a penny’ (like, seriously, you needed a microscope) to $20,000, which made at least three Uber drivers insufferably smug for months.

Of course, just as everyone starts thinking about early retirement, the Fed hikes rates; Bitcoin does a dramatic faint and collapses. Then 2020 comes—everyone’s baking sourdough, the Fed slashes rates, and Bitcoin roars back to $69,000 because… symbolism? These days, even with three Fed non-cuts, BTC has swaggered past $100,000, like it’s auditioning to be Leonardo DiCaprio’s next girlfriend.
Moral of the story? Follow Jack, or at least keep snacks nearby. It’s going to get weird.

🚀💸😱

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2025-05-11 14:33