How Belarus Plans to Make Your Money Digital (and Trace Every Kopeck!)

In the dim corridors where grand designs are hatched, Belarus and Russia have joined forces—not to conquer space or write poetry—but to mold the elusive digital ruble, shimmering on the horizon of 2026.

Roman Golovchenko, the master alchemist of Belarus’s National Bank, proudly proclaims that by the second half of 2026, the digital ruble will no longer be a myth whispered amongst bureaucrats but a tangible force spreading its pixelated wings through the economy. The state news organ, Belta, delivers this decree with all the solemnity of a monk announcing the coming of a new gospel.

“The digital ruble is among our priorities. We are actively working on its creation. First of all, we are focused on the security of funds. This is the issue I call the ‘coloring’ of funds. For the state, it is very important to be able to trace how digital money moves along the entire chain.”

Roman Golovchenko

Ah, the ‘coloring’ of funds—like marbling a loaf of bread, but with your money, so that every transaction can be painted in the Orwellian hues of surveillance, all in the name of security. Because nothing says “freedom” like an invisible omnipresent eye watching your every kopeck.

Mr. Golovchenko sets out a trilogy of Herculean tasks: first, to invent the shape of this digital ruble chimera; second, to forge the software—homegrown, naturally, so that no foreign hacker can whisper sweet nothings into the system; and third, to build the labyrinthine rules that will govern the realm where money becomes code.

According to the grand plan, the chosen ones—businessmen—will first taste the digital ruble in 2026, followed by the government officials and, a year later, the humble citizens, who might just learn to love or resent this new form of currency disguised as progress.

Meanwhile, Belarus fondly eyes Russia, its comrade in digital arms, hoping cross-border payments will become as seamless as the sarcastic grin shared between two conspirators. Russia, of course, delays its own leap into the digital abyss until mid-2026, blaming the usual suspects—technical glitches and banks that can’t keep up.

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2025-04-17 13:24