Welcome, comrades, to the US Crypto News Morning Briefing-your daily dose of financial absurdity in a world gone mad. 🌍🤪
Pour yourself a cup of bitter reality and brace for the markets, which are screaming like a Gulag prisoner in winter. Gold is climbing like a bureaucrat up the Party ladder, and the so-called “experts” are as divided as a Soviet Politburo meeting. Is this the calm before the storm, or the storm before the calm? Who knows? Not us, that’s for sure. 🤷♂️
Crypto News of the Day: Gold Fever or the Mother of All Bubbles? Bank of America Bets $5,000 as RSI Hits the Stratosphere
The gold market has gone full circus, and the clowns are running the show. Traders are either dancing in the streets or hiding under their beds, convinced the sky is falling. 🌟🤡
Bank of America, in a move that screams “we’re just as clueless as you,” has jacked up its gold target to $5,000 per ounce and silver to $65. Their reasoning? Stagflation, fiscal deficits, and geopolitical chaos. Because nothing says “stable future” like a world on fire. 🔥💸
BANK OF AMERICA: “GOLD $5,000, SILVER $65 – STAGFLATION RISK”
BofA, in a fit of optimism or delusion (you decide), has raised its precious metals price targets. Stagflation is the boogeyman, they say. Boo! 👻
ETF gold purchases surged 880% YoY in September to a record $14B. Because who needs bread when you can eat gold? 🍞✨
– *Walter Bloomberg (@DeItaone) October 16, 2025
Meanwhile, gold’s monthly RSI has hit 92.2, the financial equivalent of a heart attack. Overbought? Under-brained? You be the judge. 💔📈
GOLD ALERT ⚠️
Monthly RSI at 92.2 – the most overbought level in history. Are we witnessing peak greed or the dawn of a golden utopia? 🤑🌅
🔥 Buy, sell, or just hide in a bunker? Your move, comrade. 🕳️
– Kyledoops (@kyledoops) October 16, 2025
According to Walter Bloomberg, gold-backed ETF purchases jumped 880% year-over-year in September, hitting $14 billion. Because nothing says “financial prudence” like betting on a shiny rock. 🪨💎
This aligns with a recent US Crypto News publication, which declared 2025 the year of the ETF boom. Boom indeed. 💥
Bank of America’s research warns that inflation, deglobalization, and a Fed that can’t make up its mind could keep this rally going for another 12-18 months. Or not. Who knows? Not them, that’s for sure. 🤷♀️
But fear not! The bank expects short-term consolidation, with risks including a hawkish Fed, Trump’s tariffs, and the midterm elections. Because nothing says “stability” like American politics. 🗳️🇺🇸
Market veterans like JPMorgan’s Jamie Dimon have joined the choir, claiming gold could hit $5,000, or even $10,000. “Semi-rational,” he says. Semi-rational? More like semi-ridiculous. 😂
“This is one of the few times in his life when it’s semi-rational to own some,” Wall Street Gold reported, citing Dimon. Because when Jamie Dimon says “semi-rational,” you know it’s time to panic. 🚨
Peak Greed or the Dawn of a Golden Age?
Technical analysts are losing their minds as charts go vertical. Michael van de Poppe calls it the biggest bull run in gold history. Or is it the biggest bubble? Tomato, tomahto. 🍅💨
Absolutely beyond insanity to see this chart literally go vertical.
The biggest bull run in history for Gold. Or the biggest joke? 🤡📉
– Michaël van de Poppe (@CryptoMichNL) October 16, 2025
Yet, sentiment surveys suggest gold may still be under-owned, despite its meteoric rise. The Kobeissi Letter reports that 43% of fund managers see “Long Gold” as the most crowded trade, up from near zero a year ago. But institutional allocation? A measly 2.4%. Because who needs gold when you have stocks? Right? 🤔
“Gold is going mainstream,” the Kobeissi Letter wrote. Wall Street, it seems, is finally waking up. Or are they just sleepwalking into another disaster? 🌃💤
Skeptics like Toby Cunningham warn retail investors against chasing momentum. “We sell to the masses,” he says. Wise words from a man who’s seen it all. Or has he? 🧐
“The masses love buying when prices are high. We sell to the masses, not the other way around,” he said. Because the masses are always wrong. Right? 😏
The market stands at a crossroads: a short-term blow-off top or a decade-long revaluation driven by global chaos. With stagflation and safe-haven demand surging, gold-once the boring cousin of crypto-may be rewriting the rules of macro investing. Or it might just be another bubble waiting to burst. 🧨💥
Chart of the Day
“Long Gold” is now the most crowded trade, according to Bank of America’s Global Fund Manager Survey. 43% of respondents are all-in, surpassing even the “Long Magnificent 7″ and “Short US Dollar.” Because nothing says “diversification” like putting all your eggs in one golden basket. 🧺🥚
Byte-Sized Alpha
Crypto Equities Pre-Market Overview
| Company | At the Close of October 15 | Pre-Market Overview |
| Strategy (MSTR) | $296.76 | $300.19 (+1.16%) |
| Coinbase (COIN) | $336.30 | $340.00 (+1.10%) |
| Galaxy Digital Holdings (GLXY) | $41.92 | $42.45 (+1.26%) |
| MARA Holdings (MARA) | $22.84 | $23.12 (+1.23%) |
| Riot Platforms (RIOT) | $22.13 | $22.31 (+0.81%) |
| Core Scientific (CORZ) | $19.94 | $19.99 (+0.25%) |
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2025-10-16 19:01