Ethereum to $706,000? Experts Channel Gatsby, Predict Crypto’s Champagne Years 🍾

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My dear, do put the sherry down: a 38-page literary production—grandly titled The Bull Case for ETH and signed by no fewer than twenty-one digital boffins including Danny Ryan and other notables—declares Ethereum (that’s ETH to you and me) is destined for a market cap of $85 trillion and a price of $706,000 per trinket. Yes, you heard right. At those figures, even one coin could buy back Buckingham Palace and have enough left over for a Sainsbury’s sandwich.

This convivial treatise, dated June 2025, seeks to recast ETH as “digital oil”—not the stuff you dribble over a salad, but the kind Mr. Rockefeller would have sipped with his morning gin. “The global financial system,” they trumpet, “is on the cusp of a generational transformation, as everything gets digitized and pops on-chain.” Apparently, Ethereum is the only dinner party in town, offering devs, reliability, and the elusive ‘zero downtime’—which we must assume has kept the staff up nights.

Still, the authors grumble that ETH is “among the most significantly mispriced opportunities in global markets today,” as if it were a Rembrandt languishing in a beachside B&B. Technical upgrades, tokenized this, staked that—yet it still can’t beat its 2021 high. Even my Aunt Agatha couldn’t misplace a fortune so efficiently.

They insist ETH is “the next generational asymmetric investment opportunity” (a phrase that simply oozes bespoke cufflinks and dubious cocktails). Digital oil! Fuel, collateral, and the bedrock of an internet banking system so glittering Lloyd’s would turn emerald with envy. 🍸

Ethereum, Darling, Versus the Usual Fabergé Eggs

In pursuit of this $706,000 figure, our authors appraise ETH alongside four stodgy reservoirs of wealth: good-old crude oil (about $85 trillion in oily splendor), gold ($22 trillion, presumably dusted daily), the global bond market ($141 trillion—why so dour?), and the world’s “broad money supply” ($93 trillion and counting). Blend to taste and you get a sum so grand it defies even the wildest Monopoly marathon.

They stress it’s not a price target, but rather an “end-state equilibrium,” which I suspect means ‘eventually, and please don’t ask for specifics’. If ETH can moonlight as petrol, gold, sovereign bond, and bank vault, they say, we’ll all be sipping Dom on our air-yachts.

The magic? ETH’s quirky monetary engine: Gross issuance tops at 1.51% per year, while 80% of transaction fees are unceremoniously consigned to oblivion. “Predictable scarcity,” they wink, apparently less capricious than Bitcoin’s ‘hard limit’, which may soon encourage miners to take up watercolor painting. 🎨

And let’s not forget staking: If one locks up ETH, one earns yield—enough to put one’s idle gold bars to shame. Imagine if one’s income compounded with the reliability of a Swiss train yet the stylish unpredictability of a Mayfair soiree.

Currently, 32.6% of all ETH is already hard at work in DeFi drudgery or enterprise escapades, while an enterprising 3.5% has eloped to other blockchains entirely. As “tokenized real-world assets” (don’t ask your banker) multiply, ETH, the paper claims, shall be crowned the “globally neutral, censorship-resistant reserve asset”—presumably the Switzerland of crypto, minus the skiing. ⛷️

A Roadmap for the Hopelessly Optimistic

Picturing ETH at six figures, the study generously offers lesser milestones: $8,000 (merely $1 trillion here or there) in the “short-term,” followed by $80,000 (“medium-term”), with four reasons why: tokenization fever, growing lust for staking yields, a FOMO-fueled dash to hoard ETH, and—oh, go on then—corporate treasuries discovering programmable collateral, like discovering soufflé after decades of boiled potatoes.

The report lauds ETH as the “neutral reserve asset”—a phrase that makes even the dullest bond sound positively rakish. Current prices are deemed “a temporary mispricing,” which feels like calling a hangover ‘a brief inconvenience’.

Yet, in a fit of honesty, the authors concede that ETH is rather more convoluted than Bitcoin’s lone-wolf gold act. Traditional models simply can’t pin it down. “Multipronged utility” is cited: fuel, vault, yield-factory—take your pick. ETH, they declare, is a “new category of asset,” neither fish nor fowl, but if you’re lucky, perhaps a bit of both, seasoned generously with hope and speculation.

At this very moment—try not to spill your tea—ETH is trading at a modest $2,564. The gap between now and $706,000 remains, in the language of Noël Coward, simply deliciously audacious. 💸

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2025-07-04 16:19