Durov’s Doomsday: Telegram’s Privacy Standoff!

So, Pavel Durov, the perpetually sunglasses-clad CEO of Telegram, is having a bit of a hissy fit 🙄 over in Europe. Apparently, those pesky EU countries are getting all up in his encrypted grill about privacy. You know, wanting to peek behind the digital curtains, like nosy neighbors with a warrant.

In what he dramatically calls his “Du Rove’s channel” (because subtlety is clearly overrated), he’s ranting about how the EU wants backdoors into messaging apps. Backdoors! As if we’re living in some Cold War spy movie. I mean, can’t they just send a carrier pigeon like everyone else?

He’s specifically whining 😫 about France and other EU lawmakers wanting Telegram to install these “backdoors” for the police. Because, you know, criminals are just *dying* to use Telegram. I’m sure they’re not already using burner phones and carrier pigeons of their own.

“Telegram would rather exit a market than undermine encryption with backdoors and violate basic human rights,” Durov declared, with the gravitas of someone announcing the end of the world. “Unlike some of our competitors, we don’t trade privacy for market share.” Oh, Pavel, you sweet, innocent lamb. Tell me another one. 🐑

Backdoors: Open 24/7 to Criminals! 🚨

According to Durov, the real problem with these backdoors is that they’re not just for the good guys. Hackers and foreign agents can waltz right in, like they own the place. It’s like leaving your house unlocked and then being surprised when someone steals your prized collection of porcelain cats.

“It’s technically impossible to guarantee that only the police can access a backdoor,” Durov whines. Well, duh. That’s why they’re called *backdoors*, Pavel, not “Police-Only-Entrances.” Criminals will just flock to some obscure app no one’s ever heard of and use VPNs. Problem solved! (For the criminals, anyway.)

Telegram: Never a Byte! (Unless We Have To) 🤐

Durov wants you to know that Telegram *totally* complies with valid court orders. You know, the kind where they have to hand over IP addresses and phone numbers. But private messages? Never! Not a single byte! It’s like they’re running a digital confessional booth.

“In its 12-year history, Telegram has never disclosed a single byte of private messages. In accordance with the EU Digital Services Act, if provided with a valid court order, Telegram would only disclose the IP addresses and phone numbers of criminal suspects — not messages.”

He urges privacy advocates to bother lawmakers and promote encryption as a tool for good, not evil. Because apparently, lawmakers need to be reminded that privacy is a good thing. It’s like reminding them to breathe.

“The Battle is Far From Over!” (Cue Dramatic Music) 🎶

Even though the French National Assembly threw out some proposal about hidden access to private messages, Durov says the EU’s war on digital privacy is still raging. It’s like a never-ending game of digital cat and mouse.

He’s especially peeved about the European Commission’s “ProtectEU” proposal, which aims to find “technological solutions” for law enforcement access by 2026. Because apparently, “technological solutions” is code for “backdoors.”

Some Finnish MEP, Aura Salla (who sounds like a character from a sci-fi novel), thinks these backdoors undermine cybersecurity. Imagine that! 🤯

“No country is immune to the slow erosion of freedoms. Every day, those freedoms come under attack — and every day, we must defend them,” Durov dramatically concludes. Give it a rest, Pavel.

And to top it all off, Durov is facing some legal trouble in France for allegedly running a platform that enables illicit transactions. Apparently, freedom has its price. 💰

According to French prosecutors, Durov could get up to 10 years in prison and a $550,000 fine. Maybe he should just stick to wearing sunglasses and ranting on Telegram. It’s safer that way.

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2025-04-21 15:29