Crypto’s Glittering Mirage: ETFs, Millions, 🎩 Ivy Leagues 😒

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Bitwise, that ever-optimistic seer of digital gold rushes, has declared Bitcoin, Ethereum, and Solana poised for “new highs” as ETFs devour supply, stablecoins balloon, and institutions tiptoe onto the blockchain like it’s a social faux pas. 🎩💸

  • Bitwise insists BTC, ETH, and SOL will shatter records by 2026, blaming ETFs, macro whims, and the unavoidable allure of a good speculative crisis. 🚀
  • ETFs will buy >100% of new coins-because scarcity is just a vibe, darling. Stablecoins? They’ll either save or ruin emerging markets. Flip a coin. 🪙
  • Crypto equities to “outperform tech stocks” (ignore the man behind the curtain). 100+ ETFs by 2026! 📈 Also, Ivy Leagues might finally accept crypto donations. How quaint.

Bitwise’s 2026 crystal ball reveals a world where Bitcoin forgets its four-year tantrums, Ethereum and Solana pirouette through regulatory hurdles (CLARITY Act permitting, of course), and stablecoins become the scapegoat du jour for every central banker’s midlife crisis. 🎭

The Grand Unveiling of Projections

Bitcoin, that temperamental diva, will supposedly calm its volatility-now less erratic than a tech stock! 📉 How convenient. Citi, Morgan Stanley, and the rest of the “serious money” brigade? They’ll waltz into crypto ETFs, because nothing says stability like Wall Street’s latest crush.

ETFs: coming soon to a portfolio near you! By 2026, they’ll hoard 166,000 BTC, 960,000 ETH, and 23M SOL. Spoiler: supply is irrelevant when you print demand like Monopoly money. 🧾

Stablecoins, those “safe” havens, may destabilize emerging markets. Imagine! 🌍 One or two nations might even blame them for economic meltdowns. How novel.

100+ crypto ETFs in the U.S.? Bitwise calls it “ETF-palooza.” 🎉 We call it Tuesday. Meanwhile, Ivy League endowments-half of them-will “dip a toe” into crypto. Because nothing says legacy like FOMO.

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2025-12-18 13:02