Crypto Roller Coaster: Tariffs, Memecoins, Options & the Chaos in Between 😱

What to know:

By James Van Straten (All times ET unless indicated otherwise)

Bitcoin is living the dream—or, ya know, the brief illusion of it. Up over $87,000, which is great, but watch out: Options expiry on Friday is coming in hot with $12 billion on the table. Volatility? Oh yeah, it’s gonna be like a bad sitcom episode. Price misery? Max pain at $85,000. Calls for $100,000? Sure, dream big, folks. 🚀

Speaking of pain… President Trump’s introducing “secondary tariffs” that are basically trade war tactics, because why not stir the pot more? A 25% levy on buying oil from Venezuela—pretty specific, right? Oh, and don’t relax just yet; cars, lumber, chips—he’s coming for them too. Surprise! 🌲🚗🔧

Meanwhile, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent is calling tariffs a “strategic tool.” Really, Scott? Strategic, like when you say you’re “just looking” in a car dealership but end up driving off with a completely unnecessary convertible. Tool indeed! 🛠️

Over in the U.K., Chancellor Reeves is doing the juggling act. Civil service job cuts? Aye. Tax hikes? Nope, ‘cause people aren’t stressed enough already. Stay tuned for Wednesday’s Spring Statement, aka “Let’s Pretend We Know What We’re Doing.” 😂

Token Talk

By Shaurya Malwa

MOG, a cat-themed culture coin, jumped 25%! Memecoins, the financial equivalent of betting on a coin toss. 🐱
ETH buys? Cats get richer—classic. MOG = Ethereum’s quirky little cousin living off its popularity. 🤷‍♂️
ZachXBT called Cronos’ CRO a scam. “You reissued 70 billion tokens after ‘burning them forever?’ Forever is apparently the crypto version of ‘I’ll call you later.’” 🔥

CRO is no different from a scam
Your team just reissued 70B CRO a week ago that was previously burned “forever” in 2021 (70% total supply) and went against the community wishes as you control majority of the supply.
Unsure why Truth would chose a partnership with your exchange…
— ZachXBT (@zachxbt) March 25, 2025

Derivatives Positioning

CME futures basis for BTC and ETH is low. Translation? Institutions are like, “Nah, we’ll sit this one out.” 🪑
BTC perpetual funding rates are below zero—so much love for shorts these days! 🤔
Some coins are showing positive volume deltas, though, so hey, there’s hope if you’re into names like XMR, HBAR, and AVAX. 🎢
Short-dated BTC and ETH options are into put skews. Calls for $100K remain the favorite—go big or go broke, right? 💸

Market Movements:

BTC is down 1.12% to $86,889.75. Ether is down 1.01%. Could this be the crypto low-carb diet? 🧐
S&P 500 is up 1.76%, Nasdaq’s up 2.27%, and gold shines brighter than Bitcoin’s ego. 🏆

Bitcoin Stats:

Dominance? 61.44%. Gold’s market cap? Call it jealous.
Hashrate? Still flexing big. But BTC priced in gold? Just a humble 28.8 oz—because, priorities.

Technical Analysis

Bitcoin’s chart looks like it’s trying to stage a comeback. Resistance at $100K? More like resistance to reality. 🙃
Trendline breakouts favor optimism, but I favor a snack instead. At least snacks don’t disappoint. 🥨

Crypto Equities

MSTR surged 10.43%, now down again. It’s the Bitcoin of stocks, folks—up, down, sideways chaos. 🚀
Coinbase and others are playing the same wild dance. Profits? Sure. Stability? Not here. 🕺