Crypto Meltdown or Melt-Up? Bitcoin Gets Champagne, Ethereum Says “Hold Me Back!”

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Well, well, well. Look who just broke the internet again: Bitcoin, the drama queen of digital currencies 🎉. BTC has decided that previous records are so 2021 and has strutted past its old high like a celebrity in new sunglasses-currently dazzling at $123,480, which frankly would buy quite a lot of Colin Firth memorabilia (or perhaps just one London shoebox-with heating as extra).

Meanwhile, Ethereum is standing outside 2021’s club, pressing its nose against the glass at $4,768, basically begging the bouncer to let it in for a celebratory overpriced cocktail. Its record high? $4,771-a mere sneeze away. Honestly, ETH, just jump the velvet rope already. We’re all rooting for you (except maybe people who lost their keys).

Over in YouTube land, crypto oracle Benjamin Cowen (who is followed by enough people to form a small country) has been busy predicting sorcery: apparently, Ethereum is going strong for two more weeks before pulling a Bridget Jones tragic wobble in September, then having another go at the top. Two weeks of glory before the inevitable descent into immediate regret-sounds familiar, right? 🥂

And, like any classic romcom, trouble is forecasted for 2026. So if you’re planning on retiring on meme coins, maybe pencil that in for after the bear market… possibly while holding a tub of ice cream and wistfully googling “jobs in Malta.”

As for the treasury company euphoria, Bitcoin and Ethereum are having their big City moment: apparently, over 100 public companies are now hoarding BTC like it’s the last pack of croissants in Sainsbury’s. Meanwhile, BitMine Immersion Technologies has raised a casual $20 billion to buy more ETH. Apparently, their stock shot up 48% in five days, which is great if you got in early, and somewhat reminiscent of that time Bridget decided to start a diary and ended up with an embarrassing bestseller (or, in this case, ETH).

If nothing else, crypto manages to remain the global source of suspense, FOMO, and questionable life decisions. Long live the chaos! 🚀💸

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2025-08-14 02:43