Crypto news

Crypto Market Throws a Tantrum, Then Pretends Nothing Happened: You Won’t Believe Who Fell Hardest!

BBG News

What to know:

  • The crypto market decided to copy the stock market—like that one guy at the restaurant who’s “just gonna have what you’re having.”
  • Bitcoin trimmed its loss and hovered around $94,700. Yeah, I know—so relatable, right?
  • Altcoins and anything with “crypto” in the job title flopped harder than me at a yoga class. Coinbase, Hut 8—take a bow, you lost big.

So, picture this: Wednesday, crypto’s throwing a little fit, stocks are sulking—it’s all very dramatic. But instead of, I don’t know, doing anything interesting, the market just sits there, barely moving. You ever watch grass grow? It’s more exciting than this.

After the stock market closed, bitcoin fans were still hanging around at $94,700 (which is only 0.4% down, but who’s counting? Spoiler: everyone). Earlier, bitcoin dropped about 2%. I wish I could lose 2% of my bad habits that fast.

Altcoins? Oh boy, they’re the real comedians here. Majors like litecoin, ripple, avalanche, chainlink—they all took a nosedive, each dropping about 4%. CoinDesk 20 dropped 2%. I mean, if crypto had a talent show, the only act would be “falling off a cliff.” 😂

Crypto equities were also, how do I say… embarrassing, but a special shout-out to Hut 8—down 5.7%. Not as bad as accidentally replying all—but not great either.

Now, let’s talk stocks: Wall Street woke up on the wrong side of the bed, with averages tumbling 2% or more. Of course, by the end of the day everything mostly bounced back, proving once again that nothing actually matters. The S&P 500 crawled just into the green, Nasdaq slipped a teensy bit. I mean, if you blinked, you missed it.

Meanwhile, the economic news is basically a sad trombone. President Trump is still clinging to those tariffs like they’re his last slice of pizza at a party. Somebody’s worried the shelves are gonna be empty—honestly, if kids only get two dolls instead of thirty, maybe we all win? Except for the kids. And probably the doll industry. Definitely the dolls.

Long story short: nothing makes sense, everyone’s complaining, and the dolls are plotting revenge as we speak. 🤷‍♂️💸

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2025-04-30 23:50

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