Crypto Kidnappers Going Password-Only: Insurance Rush Ensues!

In a shocking turn of events that no one saw coming (except maybe the guy with a crystal ball and too much time on his hands), a wave of violent attacks on cryptocurrency holders has prompted insurers to hurriedly craft new protections. Because nothing says “safe investment” like worrying about being abducted for your bitcoin—or worse, your entire portfolio. 🕵️‍♂️💰

At least three daringly ambitious firms, specializing in crypto insurance and security—more enthusiastic than a hound at a bone auction—are now designing bespoke kidnap and ransom (K&R) policies for digital asset investors. According to NBC News, because apparently pirates are now more modern than good old-fashioned thieves.

Rebecca Rubenfeld, the ever-serene chief operating officer of AnchorWatch, revealed that fear of violence was the star topic at this week’s Bitcoin Conference in Las Vegas—because if there’s one place where everyone expects to lose their money, it’s Vegas. “They’re tense,” she said, which is probably why they’re trying to insure against being stuffed into a van. Her firm hopes to roll out K&R coverage by fall—meaning, by the time leaves change, you might just get kidnapped for your bitcoin and perhaps a little respect.

Physical attacks on crypto holders aren’t exactly a new phenomenon; they’ve been documented for over a decade—mainly because the criminals are quite persistent, just like telemarketers at dinner time. Recent incidents, including the prolonged torture of an Italian tourist in Manhattan (because apparently, pizza and Bitcoin make a dangerous combo) and kidnappings of crypto execs in France, have cranked the concern levels from “mildly worried” to “completely paranoid.”

The decentralized, free-range nature of cryptocurrencies makes crypto executives particularly tasty targets. Accounts controlled by individuals, transactions that cannot be reversed (no take-backs!), and assets that can be laundered if criminals just crack the password—what could possibly go wrong? 🕵️‍♀️🔑

Crypto wealth now immune—er, insured—against kidnappers

Crypto tycoons are now turning to traditional K&R insurance—because if you’re rich enough, padded rooms are passé. Andrew Kurt, vice president of executive risk at Hylant Capital, notes that K&R has historically been a big winner for insurers thanks to its low claim frequency but high impact. Like winning the lottery, if the lottery involved being kidnapped and kidnapped again for good measure.

“It’s not likely to happen often,” Kurt assures us, “but when it does, it’s spectacularly terrible.” Or spectacularly profitable, depending on your perspective.

Meanwhile, Joseph Ziolkowski of Relm Insurance is busy finalizing his firm’s K&R offering—because nothing screams ‘investment’ quite like an insurance policy that evaluates your security measures more thoroughly than a spy movie. “If someone has 24/7 personal security detail,” he muses, “that’s a big plus—probably even more than that Bitcoin you’re hiding in the basement.”

Crypto crime wave: the sequel nobody wanted

On May 27, South Korean authorities caught a Russian national red-handed during their latest attempt to make crypto ‘disappear’ in Seoul. The suspect was luring Korean investors to a hotel, where the plan was to pilfer 1 billion won (roughly $730,000)—because nothing says “safe investment” like a hotel lobby heist.

And things have only been getting trendier: kidnap and ransom crimes, including the attempted snatch of Pierre Noizat, CEO of French crypto exchange Paymium—because apparently, kidnappers just can’t get enough of digital currency manuals. The family of the man is still trying to recover emotionally, if not financially, from the experience.

In response, the crypto industry’s top brains are scrambling for personal security, with requests for bodyguards and protection contracts skyrocketing. Infinite Risks International reported that crypto’s high-profile figures are now more paranoid than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs—probably because they are.

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2025-05-31 16:32