A hush descended on the crypto world (well, as hushful as a place packed with digital gold-rushers can ever be) and then-kaboom! Federal Reserve chief Jerome Powell spun his yarn at Jackson Hole and the entire market popped a monocle. Suddenly, Bitcoin galloped over $115,000, and Ethereum decided it fancied altitude, looping over $4,600 like a vicar with a new hat.
Powell might slice rates come September. Hold on to your wallets.
The week had all the excitement of soggy toast until Friday rolled in with Powell’s symposium shenanigans. Bitcoin (BTC) and Ethereum (ETH) led a rally so sharp, even the bears got their claws caught. While Powell teased the prospect of interest rate cuts, markets responded with all the poise of stampeding penguins.
The Dow Jones, too, went on a spree, leaping more than 850 points. Bitcoin, not to be outdone by mere stocks, pirouetted almost 3% to flirt with $116,000, while Ethereum went so high it needed a parachute.
So, What’s This Powell Chap On About?
Investors at Jackson Hole cheered, perhaps in orderly fashion, perhaps with wild abandon. The global crypto market puffed out its chest by 2.5%, touching a stratospheric $3.95 trillion. Liquidations took one look at the action and, evidently deciding to join the party uninvited, soared 85% to over $585 million-shorts were caught as flat-footed as Bertie Wooster in a spelling bee. 😱
Powell’s symposium attendance was hyped with all the subtlety of a fireworks factory. While not actually promising the September rate cut, he winked harder than an aunt at Christmas:
“With policy in restrictive territory, the baseline outlook and the shifting balance of risks may warrant adjusting our policy stance,” remarked Powell, possibly while twirling his mustache.
Bets on a September rate cut now stand at 90%, probably the only thing more certain than Jeeves rescuing the day. Powell also hinted that the Fed might stop obsessing over its 2% inflation target. With all this theatre, crypto and risk assets look set to continue their ascent-until, inevitably, someone discovers their shoe is on backwards. 🪙🚀
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2025-08-22 19:09