Crypto Expert: ‘Your Portfolio is Crying for Altcoins Right Now!’ 🚀💰

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Weight: Still refusing to decrease despite daily CrossFit 🏋️‍♀️
Cigarettes: 0 (v.g.)
Crypto Portfolio: -32% (v.v. bad)
Current Mood: Desperately seeking financial validation 😩

9:15 am: Just checked crypto portfolio. Again. Cannot stop obsessing over red numbers. Beginning to wonder if living on instant noodles was worth investing life savings in something called “PepeElonCumRocket.” 🤔

11:30 am: Received notification from CryptoQuant analyst Darkfost (clearly not his real name, unless his parents were particularly cruel). Says it’s perfect time to buy more crypto. Obviously trying to make me feel better about poor life choices.

2:00 pm: Darkfost keeps banging on about “DCA strategy” – apparently means buying bits of crypto regularly instead of going all-in after three wines on a Tuesday night (wish had known this earlier 😭).

3:15 pm: Something about “30-day moving averages” being below “yearly averages.” Feel like am reading ancient Sanskrit. Would rather watch Bridget Jones’s Diary for 47th time.

5:30 pm: Some chap called Ki Young Ju (sounds v. sophisticated) claims altseason already started. Cannot see it through mountain of losses. Perhaps need new glasses. Or therapy. 🤓

7:45 pm: Contemplating whether to follow Darkfost’s advice. Pro: Could make millions. Con: Might need to sell kidney. Wonder if Daniel Cleaver ever had these problems? 🤑

1. Stop checking portfolio every 3 minutes

2. Learn what “aggregated trading volume” actually means

3. Find out if can claim crypto losses as emotional damage

4. Maybe actually try this DCA thing

5. Stop buying coins just because they have cute dog logos 🐕

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2025-04-11 14:34