Crypto Company Spends Enough to Make a Dragon Jealous—Here’s Why!

Somewhere in the peculiar universe where digital coins are worth more than small countries (and far less than Ankh-Morpork’s Patrician’s petty cash), Figment—a crypto staking company whose name suggests it may only exist in the fever dreams of accountants—has boldly announced that it wants to snap up other crypto outfits for a delightful $100 million to $200 million. Which is either an absurdly large or suspiciously small sum, depending on your proximity to a yacht.

According to a recent Bloomberg scroll—sorry, “report”—Figment seeks new acquisitions in regions that are “strategically important,” which apparently means places where there’s lots of crypto and possibly excellent street food (Asia and South America, mainly). If your crypto project has managed to establish dominance in blockchains like Cosmos (ATOM) or Solana (SOL), Figment might just turn up at your door with a big sack of unmarked bills (or at least a digital wallet).

The shopping budget is a tidy $100 million to $200 million. We’ll let you calculate what percentage of $15 billion in staked digital warm fuzzies that is. Meanwhile, in the frigid wilds of Canada where Figment has set up shop, 150 employees are likely arguing whose turn it is to reset the router on the company’s mountain of digital assets. Big dreams include expanding in the US, but only “once regulators stop viewing Ethereum staking as a cross between sorcery and tax evasion.” 🪄

Figment’s co-founder and CEO, Lorien Gabel (who, with a name like that, surely rides dragons to work), insists the company isn’t looking to raise more money and isn’t planning to be eaten by a bigger fish. Instead, it wants to be the fish with the most aggressively pointy teeth.

“We have term sheets out and we’re actively looking to acquire smaller providers,” Gabel declared, presumably while stroking a white cat and spinning in an ominous chair.

All this wheeling and dealing is part of the wider rush of crypto mergers and acquisitions since the peculiar reality where Trump is president (again), sending values on a sugar-fueled bender past $2 billion in Q1 2025. Because when the going gets weird, the weird buy more crypto.

See, Ripple recently threw $1.25 billion at Hidden Road, which sounded like a video game quest but is a crypto broker. Kraken dropped $1.5 billion on NinjaTrader (no ninjas included), and Phantom scooped up NFT data scribblers Simple Hash because why not, right?

The gladiatorial contest continues: Coinbase is apparently in deep, meaningful negotiations to woo Deribit, the crypto derivatives exchange. Kraken also made eyes at Deribit not long ago, but nothing says “crypto industry” quite like two pirates fighting over a treasure map drawn in sand.

Will Coinbase go through with the deal? Will Figment find the right “smaller providers” to absorb like a cheerful amoeba? Will Jean-Paul the regulatory consultant ever return those emails? Tune in next time for another episode of As The Blockchain Churns. 🚀

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2025-05-06 13:58