Crypto.com: We’re Not Cheating (Probably) 🤷♂️💸

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In the grand tradition of people who think “market-making” sounds less sketchy than “scheming with algorithms,” Crypto.com is building an internal team to “boost liquidity.” Because nothing says “trust us” quite like a company trading against its own customers while waving a regulatory compliance flag like a drunken parade marshal. 🎩🐇

Bloomberg, ever the nosy neighbor, reported Tuesday that Crypto.com is hiring a “quant trader” to buy and sell contracts tied to sports events. Because what the world really needs is more math nerds speculating on football scores while crypto bros sip lukewarm coffee. ☕📈

This has naturally sparked questions about whether exchanges are just glorified bookies with a blockchain-shaped fig leaf. Because nothing says “fair play” like a system where your bets are matched against the house’s bets, and the house always wins… unless it doesn’t. 🎲

In a statement to CryptoMoon (a publication that may or may not be funded by the company’s PR team), a Crypto.com spokesperson claimed their internal trading team is “fully disclosed” to regulators. “The bottom line for customers is that more competition and liquidity create a better experience,” they said, which is about as reassuring as a magician explaining how the rabbit got into the hat. 🐇🎩

“No market maker at Crypto.com gets a ‘first look,’” they added, unless they’ve been drinking the Kool-Aid (which is probably also on sale). “Our internal market maker doesn’t have access to proprietary data or customer order flow before others,” they insisted, which is oddly specific and yet suspiciously vague, like a politician admitting they “didn’t do it on purpose.” 🤷♂️

They also noted that Crypto.com doesn’t rely on proprietary trading for revenue. “We just let you trade digital assets for a fee, while staying ‘risk neutral,’” they said. A phrase that now sounds suspiciously like “we’re not gambling with your money… probably.” 🎰

Market-Making: The Original Group Project 🤝

Crypto.com isn’t the only one playing this game. Kalshi and Polymarket are also building internal market-making units, because apparently, the entire prediction market industry decided “let’s all pretend we’re not just gambling” at the same time. 🎩

Kalshi, which runs a federally regulated event-contract exchange, relies on designated market makers like Susquehanna International Group. Because nothing says “trust” quite like outsourcing your liquidity to a company with a name that sounds like a haunted insurance agency. 👻

Polymarket, the decentralized oracle of “I told you so” during the US election, is also building its own team. According to Bloomberg, they’re probably just trying to avoid looking like the last kid on the block holding a balloon animal. 🎈

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2025-12-23 20:16