The week in cryptocurrency, darling, has been positively Dickensian – a veritable whirlwind of fortunes made and lost, mostly the latter, I suspect. From Bitcoin‘s periodic swoons to the sort of ‘hacks’ one usually associates with a third-rate melodrama, the global crypto narrative continues its descent into the absurd. One almost expects a villainous banker to twirl his moustache in the background.
As gold, that most dependable of relics, inexplicably soared to new heights, Bitcoin, clinging to its key support like a debutante to her chaperone, inspired concerns over trade wars, regulations, and cyberattacks, which continue to plague the market. Let us dissect, shall we, the week’s top crypto news, hack alerts, and market shifts in this frightfully detailed recap.
Crypto Market Overview
The crypto market, bless its heart, managed to hold somewhat steady this week, boasting a total market cap of $2.7 trillion. Daily trading volume, however, dropped a rather unseemly 21.43% to a paltry $43.09 billion. Bitcoin, that digital darling, is priced today at $85,300, while Ethereum trades at $1,604, and XRP sits at $2.08. One wonders, is this progress or merely elaborate gambling?
Top Crypto News This Week
US-China Tariff War Pulls Bitcoin Down, Gold Hits ATH
A 245% tariff on Chinese imports triggered a 2% Bitcoin price dip and a 3.75% drop in the broader crypto market. Gold, meanwhile, surged to an all-time high of $3,300 as investors sought safe-haven assets. Good show, gold! 🥇
SEC Chair Atkins Missing From Crypto Custody Event
Despite being recently confirmed, SEC Chair Paul Atkins won’t lead the April 25 roundtable on crypto custody. Acting Chair Mark Uyeda will step in as Kraken, Fidelity, and Anchorage join the discussion. Is it possible that even the regulators are beginning to find this all rather tedious?
Trump vs Powell: Stagflation Warnings and Crypto Impact
Jerome Powell’s warning about stagflation, tied to Trump tariffs, rattled markets. Trump criticized Powell for delaying rate cuts, adding political drama to financial uncertainty. Oh, the drama! 🎭
Bitcoin ETF Outflows Surge Over 300%
SoSo Value reported $700M in Bitcoin ETF outflows this week, reflecting rising concern over trade wars and slowing institutional confidence. SoSo indeed. 🤔
Ripple-SEC Lawsuit Paused for 60 Days
Ripple’s legal battle with the SEC is on pause, suggesting possible settlement talks. Ripple also announced a $1.25B acquisition of Hidden Road, expanding its global footprint. It seems even legal battles need a little holiday, doesn’t it?
Binance Tightens KYC for Indian Users
Binance now requires Indian users to re-verify KYC using their PAN to comply with AML laws. Data handling assurances were also provided. One hopes these assurances are worth more than the digital ink they’re printed on. 🤞
Mantra Token Plunges 90%
The RWA-focused Mantra token fell 90% amid forced liquidations and insider trading concerns. Transparency and communication issues further shook investor trust. Investor trust? In crypto? How quaint. 😇
Nvidia Stock Hit, Bitcoin Drops 3.3%
Nvidia faced a $5.5B hit over halted chip exports to China, sending shockwaves through Nasdaq and crypto markets. Bitcoin dropped to $83,600. Even silicon darlings aren’t immune to the madness. 🤯
TRX Spot ETF with Staking Filed by Canary Capital
Canary Capital filed for the first TRX spot ETF in the U.S., including staking in the proposal—pushing altcoin ETF momentum forward. One can only hope it fares better than the canaries in the coal mine. 🐦
South Korea Blocks 14 Crypto Apps Including KuCoin & MEXC
A regulatory crackdown led to app store bans of 14 unregistered crypto services. South Korea’s authorities plan to make crypto enforcement permanent. Someone had to do it! 👮♀️
WazirX Users Denied Relief by Supreme Court
India’s top court rejected WazirX investors’ plea after a ₹2,000 crore hack, urging them to approach regulators like SEBI and RBI. A tragicomedy, really. 😢
Coinbase’s BASE Token Crashes 90%
Base token launched as an experimental meme coin by Coinbase collapsed minutes after launch. Critics cited insider activity and poor rollout. A meme coin collapsing? Well, I never! 🙄
Slovenia to Impose 25% Crypto Tax from 2026
Slovenia proposed a 25% tax on crypto-to-fiat conversions. The law excludes crypto-to-crypto trades and could raise €25M annually. The taxman always gets his due, darling. 💸
Pi Network News: Chainlink Integration and Mainnet Update
Chainlink added Pi Coin to 22 data feeds, while Pi Network’s new Mainnet migration roadmap faced backlash over delays and unclear rewards. Pi in the sky, perhaps? 🤔
This Week’s Crypto Hacks
KiloEx Loses $7M in Cross-Chain Exploit
A multi-chain hack exploited oracles on KiloEx across BNB, Base, and Taiko chains. KILO token crashed 30% as the platform halted operations. One chain, two chains, hacked chains… 🔗
UK Minister’s X Account Hacked to Promote Scam Coin
MP Lucy Powell’s X account was compromised to promote a fake token “House of Commons Coin.” The incident exposed rising crypto scam risks. Oh, dear. Even Parliament isn’t safe from these digital shenanigans. 🏛️
From gold’s dizzying ascent and Bitcoin’s not-so-graceful descent to Ripple’s legal reprieve and Binance’s compliance tightrope walk—this week has demonstrated, yet again, how inextricably politics, regulation, and technology are entangled in this crypto drama. Stay tuned, if you dare, for next week’s thrilling installment! 🍿
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2025-04-19 21:40