Crypto Bears Obliterated: $320M Vanishes as Bitcoin Rockets Past $110K 🚀

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In a plot twist that would make even Marvin the Paranoid Android raise an eyebrow, cryptocurrency short holders have just experienced a mass liquidation event of such magnitude that it could only be described as “mostly harmless” if you’re not one of them. Bitcoin and its digital pals have decided to rally, leaving pessimists clutching their towels and wondering where it all went wrong.

Bitcoin: Now Officially Worth More Than Your House, Your Neighbor’s House, and Possibly Belgium

Despite earlier doom-and-gloom predictions (and the odd Vogon poetry reading), Bitcoin has not only bounced back to its previous all-time high, but has also gleefully smashed through it, setting a new record at a jaw-dropping $111,800. If you blinked, you probably missed it—don’t worry, so did most financial analysts.

Below is a chart that looks suspiciously like a rollercoaster designed by someone with a wicked sense of humor:

After teasing everyone at $103,000 earlier this month and then sulking sideways for a bit, Bitcoin finally found the motivation (possibly caffeine) to surge ahead. Altcoins tried to keep up, but let’s be honest—Ethereum’s 3.5% weekly rally is like bringing a towel to a supernova when Bitcoin’s showing off with an 8.5% return.

Liquidations: The Hitchhiker’s Guide Says “Don’t Panic”—But Maybe Panic a Little

According to CoinGlass (which presumably doesn’t shatter under pressure), the recent volatility has led to over $500 million in liquidations in just 24 hours. “Liquidation,” for those new to the universe, is what happens when your trading position goes so spectacularly wrong that the exchange steps in and says, “Nope, you’re done.”

Here’s a table that’s probably making some traders wish they’d stuck to intergalactic hitchhiking:

The crypto sector has seen $516 million in liquidations, with shorts making up 64% ($334 million). In other words, betting against Bitcoin right now is about as safe as arguing with a Vogon bureaucrat.

As usual, Bitcoin and Ethereum are leading the charge in “Oops, I lost my shirt” statistics:

This mass liquidation event is known as a “short squeeze”—which sounds fun until you realize you’re the one being squeezed. Yet, despite all this chaos, speculators remain undeterred. The Bitcoin Open Interest metric is still climbing faster than Arthur Dent running from disaster.

Open Interest now sits at $81 billion, up from $65 billion on May 18th. Apparently, hope springs eternal—even in the face of cosmic absurdity.

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2025-05-23 06:17