Coinbase Just Dropped $2.9 Billion on Deribit—Crypto Bros React in All Caps

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  • Coinbase will fork over $700 million cash (no, not spare change under cushions) and 11 million shares of their own stock. Not Monopoly money, allegedly.
  • This magical union still needs to survive the inevitable love affair with regulators—expect the wedding by year’s end, invitations pending.

If you ever wondered what crypto giants do when they’re bored, apparently they log onto eBay (or the billionaire equivalent) and buy other exchanges. Coinbase—you know, that U.S. entity you tried to explain to your aunt last Thanksgiving—announced it’s buying Deribit for the low, low price of $2.9 billion. Yes, billion—with a b. For that, Coinbase gets a derivatives exchange, and somewhere, an intern gets carpal tunnel from typing regulatory documents.

Regulators, of course, will have to bless this financial matrimony before anyone can pop champagne or mint commemorative NFTs. If all goes well (and the paperwork doesn’t vanish into a pile of bureaucratic ether), they expect to seal the deal before year’s end—just in time for the annual “Crypto Winter Gala,” which is simultaneously hosted on and banned by Discord.

Luuk Strijers, who seems to run Deribit when he’s not auditioning to narrate financial thrillers, assures, “As the leading crypto options platform, blah blah, more money, more products, trusted brand. With Coinbase, we’ll shape the markets, the future, probably the weather, and certainly your brunch conversation.” 🍳💸

Coinbase Will Totally Save Crypto, Probably

Assuming nobody loses the “Are You a Robot?” CAPTCHA during the approval process, Coinbase will crash the cool kids’ table in the world of crypto derivatives, with Deribit bringing along its $30 billion in open interest (the financial version of “likes” but harder to explain at family dinner) and $1 trillion in 2024 trading volume. You read that right—trillion. Not even Taylor Swift gets those numbers. 🎤🚀

Since Coinbase is globally available in over 100 jurisdictions (take that, Starbucks loyalty points), even more humans and presumably enlightened AI can trade derivatives in a place that allegedly follows all the rules. Good news for institutional investors, who can now boast about their “Bitcoin OI positions” at yacht parties without blushing. ⛵

This move theoretically diversifies Coinbase’s revenues, which is business speak for “we could use more money, especially with Bybit and Binance lurking in the shadows with suspicious levels of caffeinated enthusiasm.” As for Wall Street? Investors lost their collective chill and instantly bumped Coinbase stock 6% to $208. But really, who hasn’t made a questionable financial decision on a Thursday?

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2025-05-08 22:05