Citigroup’s Grand Hustle: Coins, Custody, and Corporate Cash Cow Dreams 🐄💸

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In the shadow of Washington’s ever-shifting political tempest, Citigroup-architect of modern finance and purveyor of paper dreams-now contemplates their descent into the digital abyss. With the solemnity of a man stepping into a gilded cage, they weigh custody of stablecoins, crypto ETFs, and payments, as if the alchemy of blockchain might yet redeem the soul of late-stage capitalism. 🌀

Biswarup Chatterjee, a custodian of corporate liquidity and bearer of spreadsheets, declares their intent to safeguard “high-quality assets” (read: tokens backed by other tokens). One imagines him muttering to Reuters, “Yes, the future is digital, but let us at least charge 3% for the privilege.” The irony, of course, is that the only stablecoin here is the one in your therapist’s couch. 💸

And what of Bitcoin ETFs? Citi, ever the trend-following leviathan, now seeks to custody the “equivalent amount of digital currency” to support these financial fireworks. A noble pursuit, if one ignores the fact that 6.2% of Bitcoin’s supply is now hoarded by institutions, while retail investors sip lukewarm coffee and wonder if their HODLing is a sin. 🚀

This is not Citi’s first foray into crypto’s siren song. Earlier this year, they partnered with SIX Digital Exchange to tokenize private markets-a move as sensible as selling concert tickets to the deaf. Yet, in 2023, they hailed tokenization as the “next killer use case,” a $5 trillion market by 2030. One wonders if they’ve considered tokenizing their own stock-call it CitiCoin: the future, guaranteed to underperform. 🎭

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2025-08-15 05:41