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Celsius CEO Begs for Judge’s Mercy: Will He Get a Year or a Couple Decades?

BBG News

Well now, gather ‘round and let me spin you a yarn from that strange country called Wall Street—the one where fortunes are made, lost, and occasionally, entirely imaginary. It’s about a fella by the name of Alex Mashinsky, who found himself in hot water way deeper than the Mississippi in flood season. 🌊

On the fifth day of May, Mashinsky’s high-priced legal posse tipped their hats to the New York district court and politely requested, “Judge, don’t swat Alex too hard. Let’s keep this to just 366 days—one year and a tad, give or take a leap day—because, well, what he done sure ain’t worth the pounding the government’s cookin’ up.”

Now, Mashinsky—59 if you care about calendars—went and pleaded guilty in December 2024. Not for losing his keys, but for commodities fraud and market shenanigans so fancy they’d make Tom Sawyer blush. He confessed to pocketing $48 million from his own token just before his house-of-cards outfit, Celsius, melted faster than butter in July. 🧈

The government, on the other hand, is madder than a hornet in a soda bottle. According to their letter dated April 28, they say Mashinsky paddled a “predatory campaign rooted in greed,” targeting kindly everyday folks and blowing up their nest eggs like it was the Fourth of July. The DOJ wants him to get 20 years—the kind of sentence that turns mustaches gray.

But here’s where things get as slippery as a catfish: Mashinsky’s legal eagles drew a picture of a complicated soul, chalking up his character to his family’s Soviet Jewish refusenik days, his stint in the Israeli forces, and a business career longer than the American railroad. That, they say, should count for something—even if he did juggle the markets with both hands.

“The government,” they argue, “acts like Alex were a comic book villain, not a flesh-and-bones feller with quirks and a few too many clever ideas.” The lawyers claim DOJ’s got less nuance than a barn door and paints Mashinsky as downright savage. (Frankly, I haven’t seen this many shades of gray since Aunt Polly tried to repaint the fence.)

All eyes are on May 8 for the sentencing—a bigger day in New York courtrooms than a two-headed calf at the county fair. 🎩🐮

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2025-05-06 20:20

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