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CBDC Blunders: Why “Digital Cash” Remains a Glorified Spreadsheet, According to Insiders

BBG News

While the United States has mustered all the enthusiasm of an Edwardian matron at a jazz club when it comes to central bank digital currencies (CBDCs), elsewhere, central bankers persist—perhaps spurred on by the prospect of more acronyms on their business cards. Their victories, however, remain elusive, at least as described by Olga Goncharova, a woman who must be congratulated for surviving Binance’s corridors and now runs something delectably named Rizz Go.

Apparently, despite worldwide hoopla—ranging from policy papers to very serious-looking PowerPoint slides—no one has actually mistaken a CBDC for a fintech miracle. Instead, says Goncharova, “CBDCs are tech breakthroughs if your idea of ‘breakthrough’ is a pricier, digital facsimile of your mother’s tired checking account.” Harsh? Perhaps. Accurate? Well, everyone still seems to use banking apps with all the passion of Soviet bread buyers.

Even though some form of digital currency doodling was already occurring in the 1990s (back when the internet sounded like a teapot boiling), the modern crop offers roughly as much added value as a hotel Bible. Users, it seems, are not clamoring for another app that does what their current apps already do, but on a blockchain—allegedly. Floor polishers, beware.

CBDC: China’s Modest Contribution to “Meh” Technology

Goncharova, wielding candor like an umbrella at a rainy garden party, notes that CBDC’s main global contribution is disappointment. No jurisdiction—despite valiant efforts—has achieved anything like mass retail adoption. In China, where the digital yuan was unveiled with the fanfare of a new emperor, its actual day-to-day presence is about as scarce as a functioning public toilet in rural Somerset.

And should one breathe a sigh of relief that at least government officials are being decisive, even the architect of China’s CBDC met with a fate familiar to ambitious mandarins everywhere: professional exile, presumably with only a digital yuan or two to keep him company.

Having started early—2014!—China’s digital yuan is the “biggest” in much the same way a whale carcass is bigger than a sardine. The state continues its tireless promotion, convinced, perhaps, that with enough patriotic emojis, the populace will soon be trading digital coins over dumplings and karaoke.

EU Dreams of Financial Independence While Banks Just Sigh 😐

Naturally, the Europeans cannot be left out, especially when there’s sovereignty at stake. The digital euro’s main innovation, it seems, is existential: to feel a little less at the mercy of Visa and Mastercard, two names that haunt Brussels more than late-night frites.

Of course, banks are not thrilled, and adoption is, shall we say, theoretical. Even the European Central Bank, known for its ability to say nothing at great length, can’t decide if blockchain is magical, menacing, or merely complicated. Apparently, “programmability” is a touch too modern for Continentals still printing marriage banns in triplicate.

So for now, the digital euro exists in a quantum state: both revolutionary and entirely pointless, depending on one’s knack for committee meetings.

Meanwhile, in Russia: Ruble on Ice, Vodka Still Served

What of Russia, the land of snow, subtext, and endless pilot programs? The digital ruble, after several much-ballyhooed trials, has yet to arrive, though not for lack of announcements from the Bank of Russia, whose governor, Elvira Nabiullina, has become a master of polite delay. The latest forecast: adoption is postponed—again. Stop the presses, comrades.

Finance Minister Anton Siluanov insists the digital ruble will soon debut in commercial banks. Sometime. Probably. Maybe in time for winter. Goncharova herself observes, with the clinical detachment of a country house guest inspecting her soup, “There’s no real panic about foreign payment systems here.” Instead, the digital ruble is touted as an efficiency project, though ‘efficiency’ in Russian governance is as elusive as the Tsar’s lost gold.

“We’re still testing. Whether anyone will find it useful or less mystifying than Boris Godunov’s policies remains to be seen.”

With the official ruble in formal limbo, some earnest voices have invoked the specter of stablecoins, helpfully pegged to the ruble. These are already popping up—hoping, presumably, to become the Tether of the steppe. For now, their main competition is user apathy and good old-fashioned cash. 💸

If you’re searching for transformative fintech, try a cocktail instead. 🍸

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2025-04-29 16:52

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