A glance at the grim chronicles of CoinMarketCap reveals the bitter truth: Bitcoin has fallen below $87,000, waltzing perilously near the edge of its $86,000 support. Ethereum sighs alongside it, Solana groans, and Dogecoin—ever the jester—attempts to laugh its despair away. 😂
Hoodi, the third and hopefully the charm test network, follows in the footsteps of Holesky and Sepolia, which were more like “let’s-find-all-the-bugs” parties. This time, Ethereum’s devs have polished their troubleshooting skills, ensuring a silky smooth experience for the mainnet launch. Pectra’s pièce de résistance? Smart contract functionality in wallets, because who doesn’t love a good user experience? 📈
Oh honey, it’s been a wild ride for Hyperliquid. They’re talking about a $10.63 million loss, and I’m not even sure what that means, but it sounds bad. Apparently, their treasury got a little too big for its britches and assumed a short position in JELLY, which is like, a tiny little token. But then, BAM! The price of JELLY went up 230% in like, an hour. I mean, I’ve had days like that when I’m trying to get a good brunch spot, but this is on a whole other level.
Ah, Bitcoin! The tempest-tossed darling of the financial seas, a gamble once deemed madder than Don Quixote tilting at windmills! 🎭
For those keeping obsessive score (yes, you in the back), Bitcoin’s audience of fair-weather fans is pumping up their supply. The short-term holders have returned, and they’re holding coins like someone clutching a lottery ticket after scratching off two matching numbers. The already volatile BTC price might turn into an emotional teenager, thanks to these sudden declarations of undying confidence.
Undeterred, they tried again on the Sepolia testnet on March 5. But oh no, an unknown attacker decided to crash the party by mining empty blocks. Because why not? 🙃 It’s like trying to bake a cake and someone keeps stealing the eggs. 🥚
In a move that will either delight or terrify the financially fearless, Revolut, the U.K.-based fintech juggernaut, has unleashed upon the world (or at least the United Kingdom and the European Economic Area) a mobile crypto exchange app of unmitigated excitement – Revolut X! 🤯
Comrades, the streets of cryptocurrency have witnessed another dramatic spectacle, as Hyperliquid, that bastion of blockchain bravado, has seen fit to delist those perpetual futures tied to the JELLY token. And why, you ask? Ah, it’s quite simple, really: “evidence of suspicious market activity” – the ultimate kiss of death for any token, don’t you think? 🤑
As the tempests of market uncertainty howl, like a Soviet winter, a chill wind blows upon Stellar’s native token, XLM. The once-promising ascent of early March 2025 now lies in tatters, a victim of its own bearish rising wedge pattern – a harbinger of doom, forged in the very depths of the four-hour timeframe.
Enter Paolo Ardoino, the CEO of Tether, CTO of Bitfinex, and a man who probably has a Bitcoin-themed wallpaper on his phone. His reaction to this news? A simple, echoed refrain: “We are all Satoshi.” 🤖